Preview of TGIF

Another Sardar Joke

Once Santa Singh was travelling in a bus late at
night. At one of the stops an old lady got into the bus. Santa Singh stood up and gave her his seat.

The next morning the conductor asked Santa Singh if he
was alright the previous night. Santa said, 'Yes ofcourse! What's wrong with giving your seat to an old lady
like that?' The conductor said, 'Yeah, but you were the only one on the bus!'
 
One more

A priest and a man went out together on a duck hunt. The man saw a duck flying and took a shot and missed.
Man: Fuck!! I missed.

The priest was quick to admonish him and said that if he used foul language GOD will strike him dead.
Moving a litlle further on the man saw another duck swimming in the pond. He shot at it and missed again.
Man: Fuck!! I missed!!

The priest warned him again and said if he used the f word again GOD will strike him dead for sure.
Moving on a little further the man saw a duck sitting in the ground in front of him. He tried and missed again.
Man: FUCK!! I missed!!

Sure enough there was a flash of lightening from the sky, but it struck the priest and killed him!!
There was a booming voice from the sky that said: FUCK!!I MISSED!!
 
Things parents have learned from their kids:

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Plastic toys do not like ovens
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
 
Kids and proverbs

A first Grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the children complete the phrase.
*As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
*Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
*Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
*It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
*You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
*Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
*A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
*The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
*An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
*Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
*Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
*A penny saved is........................................not much.
*Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you;
cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
*When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
 
a few good facts:

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
&
> > a
> > fool at the other.
> >
> > 2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals
are
> > more popular than a five day test.
> >
> > 3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
> > and
> > a woman gains her master
> >
> > 4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
> >
> > 5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
> > lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds
> > of
> > either".
> >
> >
> > 6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.
> >
> > 7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
> > believes he got the biggest piece.
> >
> > 8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated
> > by
> > feminine water-power ..
> >
> > 9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
> >
> > 10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
> > everybody disagrees later on.
> >
> > 11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling
you
> > have never felt before.
> >
> > 12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
> >
> > 13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
> >
> > 14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
> >
> > 15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
> >
> > 16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
> > actually do.
> >
> > 17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sitto
> > decide
> > that nothing can be done together.
> >
> > 18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
> >
> > 19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
> >
> > 20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken
> > of
> > when dead.
> >
> > 21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
> > you
> > actually look forward to the trip.
> >
> > 22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls
> > into a river.
> >
> > 23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway
> > "See I am not injured yet."
> >
> > 24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
> > Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
> >
> > 25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
> >
> > 26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
> >
> > 27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got
> > caught.
> >
> > 28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
> > early.
> >
> > 29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
> > Confidence after.
> >
> > 30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with
his
> > bills.
> >
> > 31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......





:D :D :D
 
Originally posted by Abhaya_Abhaya
No it is not...just a genuine query! do you have any idea?
Click to expand...

Good question. I think the employment and employer matters for employment based green cards.

I asked whether it is a pun 'cos people generally don't pose genuine, serious questions in fun threads. The reason is your question may get lost.
 
Dont know there is a minimum age but you would need a 4 year degree and experience in EB2/EB3 category. Will take you at least 20 to get there unless you are a boy genius.
 
a good one

In some remote village of india, one masterji is teaching the mahabharat katha to a class. he is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it. so let him continue instead of me

masterji : to bachcho, so kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is goin to kill him. he was furious. he ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. first son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning second one is born n kansa thorws him off the mountain peak third one is born...

now Ramu who is smartest of the lot puts up his hand

masterji (sounding nervous n confused) : Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata n how come u have one?


Ramu Beta : masterji, if kansa knew that devaki's 8th child was goin to kill him, why the hell did he put vasudev n devaki in same cell??
 
Webster's Guide to Male and Female Language

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.

Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a
relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.

Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.

Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Making love (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2-1/2
minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking,to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad,prior to tossing it out.

Thingie (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
 
Thanks everybody

It was nice to read jokes. Though I see that the response is not much as it used to be once upon a time, I really appreciate your efforts for posting good jokes.

We will have another thread, next week.
:)

This week has not come to an end, if you still want to post some..:D

Any good movies to watch, this weekend??:)
 
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Interesting stuffs

Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History tests:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked,
"Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in
one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. ying,
he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should
be hanged twice for the same offense.

14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote
many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20. During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this
was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a
hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies ere
born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was
the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was
born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a
reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are
falling off the trees.

27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children. In
between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English.
He was very large.

28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it
happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't have any children.

30. The sun never set on the British Empire because
the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the
West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on
thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced
virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the
Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
 
Originally posted by abhi_01201
Damn-GC

This is great stuff - took my mind away from the 2 feet snow download we are about to get.
Click to expand...

Why are you not posting any jokes today???
 
OK- Roran - I am posting this one - just dont get too mad - let me go and hide.

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University. In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right starting from the front. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
----------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.. So chamomile was out of the
question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi- literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slut.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get fucked.
----------------------------------------------------------
Eat shit.
----------------------------------------------------------
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
Go drink some tea - whore..
----------------------------------------------------------
 
Work Vs Prison

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
 
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Kind of PJ

This is a case about a company who tried to call itself "Microsoffft" to get rich soon, the founder name was John Doe, well luckily he got rich too and became one of the most eligible bachelor, but like everyone his day too came and he got married.

Next morning since he was such a rich person, media was all over his house and when they saw Mrs. Doe they rushed over her and said,

Media:

So how was the first night?

Mrs. Doe angrily replied:

"Now I know why they named this company Microsoffft" :D
 
Re: OK- Roran - I am posting this one - just dont get too mad - let me go and hide.

Originally posted by abhi_01201

You don't have to hide 'coz this is the beauty of internet. Too long jokes like this are sometimes very difficult to read, as those are the times I get reminded that I am at work.:p
Click to expand...
 
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