Morality....

W

waitinNJ

Registered Users (C)
Folks,

I liked the question wife & husband, and as people are replying with thoughtful answers-
Here is my main question, it is my top most worry to live a life in US-

With so much of sex and crime and nature of people to take everything as fun, I always worry how my kids are going to grow up here.

Just for money and good life, do you think we all will accept this culture, Or it will always be confusing....

Is it acceptable or not ?
 
That's the reason why an apt abbrevation was introduced: ABCD.

American culture is very uniting one and from my experience, we will moslty accept the culture since most of the immig's are living here for money nothing else.

If not u, u'r children will embrace it.

There is a popular saying in US:- Your children, my children are u'r children. (Pun intended).
 
My topmost worry is that my youth has gone in solving settlement issues in USA. I have lost the most energetic, precious years of my life. Ever since I came here I have been struggling from day 1. I don't have many friends here as I have no time for that. Its like ........working......studying........working ----> irritation ----> low tolerance ----->isolation.

I am 29 now, touching 30 and for a girl especially this is a very big age and I have not seen much in my life other than struggle. Not a single day goes by when I can relax saying to myself that I have time to rest.

Forget about children friends unless you have real grown up kids this country change is one big sacrifice..........

oooph!!!!

sorry for writing all that........i vented out my emotions. :mad:

sorry waitinNJ if you consider that i have highjacked your thread.
 
kids

Although I'm sure that the kids' upbringing here will be a perfect match for the U.S. culture, I'm not sure if I want my kids to have ALL of the American values. Even if you put sex and drugs aside, I honestly have to say that I am unhappy with the education system K-12 and how little general knowledge high school graduates seem to have. No offense to anyone but I don't want to view my own kid as "dumb" if after high school he/she can't perform the simplest calculations without a calculator. And if I try to supplement their education at home, I'm afraid they'll think of me as backward minded.

Don't know what to do.
 
485GCCase,

Yor are not hijacking anything, this forum has been a great source of information to me. Immigration or personal...
You are not alone, there are many people living this life of uncertainity and frustation, isolation etc.. We all are in same boat.

Keep the faith, You are going to make it.
 
bumblebee,

As far as education go-
I can compromise little bit as the kids may have more chances here to get good jobs with the less hard work than in India.
You get educated to get a good job and culture.
OK considering my kid work hard, he may get a good paying job here. It is the culture part that kills me:
Things like- liberal attitude,no respect for individual, sex in the name of modern thinking, violence- imagine kids carrying the guns, drugs etc.

Think about a daughter asking for a sleep-over from their Indian parents. Accept it for money & good life ?
 
For what I've seen:

Most kids are good and follow the indian tradition respecting the elders in their early ages and starts dying out when it crosses 14 or over here.

If you are talking in terms of education, a kid who is about to go to do B.S. here will have much less knowledge when compared to a kid going to B.E. or other professional degrees but the outcome after the course is almost the same and not much difference.

The other factors like boy friends/girl friends, drugs are somethings to be worried about here.

I come from one of cosmopolitan cities in India and we did have all the above boy friends/girl friends, drugs etc but only to a limit and there was a fear factor and that is the only thing which I see missing here b'cos kids start working during their school and are not dependent or getting out of parents hands in other words.

My idea is to take my kids back home at age 8 or 9 till age 17 and bring 'em back for Bachelors or masters where by gives them more values and I can keep them in total control...You know what I mean...
 
In the U.S.,too, there are liberal parents, and there are strict parents. I don't want to be so strict that my kids feel left out from society because their dad is backward-minded, but I've also seen good examples of american families where the kids are under control culture-wise. E.g., they always ask for permission, they don't lie, don't do drugs, don't drink until allowed, don't curse, etc. Striking the balance is, no doubt, more difficult than in other, traditionally more disciplined countries.

If a sleep over will in the long run make my daughter happy and successful, it will be me who has to adapt. But basic things like respect, non-violence, etc. can be taught in the U.S. as well, I think.
 
Hey Guys and Gals,

I share your emotions at the same time I would like to say this Please don't blame yourself in a negative way, Don't be harsh and don't criticise yourself unduly for all that has been happening.

Instead, think about this, We have made all these choices for ourselves and we have made all these choices consiously keeping well being of ourself and our family in mind, so where is the problem then ? Think about the significant strides we made, new things we have known and learnt. We should take the responsibility.

And let's trust our kids, show them the right path and live it there, We can't be worried about too many things, especially things we don't have control over.

Let's do our part and then hope the good will prevail.

485GCCase, 30 years in not really that Big of age here in USA, you still have 3-4 years easily. It's all in the head, it's all what was told to us , it's all what we have grown seeing.
 
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Folks,

I am happy that this thread gave me some insight. all of you guys said something which is appealing.

Thank you all.

I would appreciate if someone can share a personal experience of grwing up teenagers in US.
Considering the people are young here, may be if you have any experience from relatives/friends..
 
It's true that America kids can't do math as good as us, they don't remember as much fact as we do. But that by no means that they are dumb.

People from oreintal countries like India and China are proud that they are much smarter than their American counterpart. A simple prove is how much of us in high-tech industry and earn decent living. But don't forget the smartest Americans are in laws, medical and business. We are really competing with the second-tier.

Are you guys talking about merging into American society? Start with the kids. This is not a society where you raise the kids so that they can help you when you getting old, like your countrymen did back home.

Let them go. Let them find their way.
 
I am not sure how many people have been to schools out here but I was one of the fortunate ones and I can surely vouch that the education here is very very good.

I am not sure why always my country men are worried abt calucating big math problems without a calculator. It seems to be one of the dumbest argument, I have ever heard.

If people cannot calculate without a calculator it doesn't mean he cannot survive. Everybody knows how to do simple calculations but if u want to do calculus etc, u surely should use a calculator rather than memorizing the dirty formulas. Of course this argument only applies incase u'r not planning to go back to the home country.

Here education is more practical, it is not memorizing and passing exams.

I personally can tell u that the people who have done B.S here have far more analytical/creativity skills than people doing B.tech's/M-tech's back home. Of course they have big edu loans too. But that's another topic.

Here people are very focussed and don't want to be jack of all trades. They are master of one. That's the reason why u have CPA's, tax consultants, lawyers. Here one doesn't do all the jobs, there is a separate person for each area. If u want to file taxes, use a tax consultant. If u want to save/invest money, go to a CPA etc.

Pls, don't compare the syllabus of Indian edu system and here since here the syllabus inculcates creativity and visibility.

Drugs/Sex/Guns/Alcohol are very common here and u got to live with it and hope u'r children r not involved in such activities.

Parents here shouldn't be under the false impression that one can control their childs habits. It is really impossible once the child enters the teenage since the friends circle will really influence the actions and as u know how the friends are going to be.

Let me tell u two popular counts among men here. They are
1) No of girl friends that they had. The higher the number, the greater they feel.
2) No of girls they had xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx - Fill in the blank ( U know, what I mean).

I also remember a popular saying which is, When u'r in rome act as a roman.

Well, take it easy and have fun. Or else pack u'r bags and go home till u get u'r child married and then come back.
 
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My 2 cents.

America has it's plusses and minuses.

Plusses -
1. System works better (other than INS)
2. Hygeine
3. Orderliness
4. People don't fight all the time.
5. Dollars. (Well, but rupee goes further in India).

Minuses -
1. Culture (No matter what you do, kids will embrace what you detest).
2. General bad health - mental and physical. (inspite of the best medical system)
3. Stress and uncertainity. (Layoffs, too fast life, and lonely atleast for us)
4. Unless you've been lucky the H4 way, finding a spouse is a nightmare here. (Do I need to elaborate)
5. Yea and brown skin will never be white. I do feel that. (How many desi managers in your company, and how many desi workers?)

So it's all a question of what *you* want. I bet India has it's plusses and minuses too. But consider yourself lucky, that you were able to come here, and compare the two in real. Most people back there are just blinded by AMERICA .. .. without really knowing life here.

485GCCase, I can understand the isolation you mentioned. I know friends donot substitute for what you really really need in life. I know it sucks, but when everything sucks in your life, close your eyes, meditate and think of someone in a situation worse than yourself. Then go help that person. His/her genuine smile, will make you feel better. It doesn't solve your problems, but it sure makes you feel better. In other words, make someones day. Do something he/she would have never imagined in his/her wildest of dreams that someone would do for them. And do it for no apparent reason.

PriyaGC, good attitude, I'd like to ask you repeat that when your daughter gets pregnant at 14, and then smokes pot in front of her kids.

PS: Damn I completed 700 posts, INS really sucks
 
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My thoughts

I have read all of your comments on this thread. In the beginning of this thread I would have probably said the same things which some of you had mentioned. At this point in our discussion, I think we should consider these points.

1. It all sums up into one thing, do I consider myself, as a person who is capable of surviving in any situation that life has to offer. Has my background (whatever it is) made me a person I want to be? The point is I need to know first who I am.
2. What offers your family the stability, not just financial but also the mental stability? I need to find the balance.
3. Where could I get the optimum benefit of life? I strive for the betterment, don’t I?
4. What is my duty towards the community, towards my country? The best way to ask this question is how do I plan to preserve my values?

If living in India/ USA or in both countries, has made you a better person, then consider yourself lucky that you have the knowledge to compare and choose.

You are matured and have the ability to choose right and wrong and make the right decision in every step of your life but your kids will not have it until they reach that age. What could be the safety zone for that mistake prone age?

In the end, I think that I do have duty to preserve my values because they made me a better person. There are lots of factors involved, my parents, my education, my culture, my community, my values, my teachers and events in my life.

I think just having a “paying education” and “less competition” does not make a person better. I would say, it is in our advancement that we came here, got financial stability (it depends how much do you want?), money is just a way to achieve the goal, it is not the goal itself. (You all know that already)

Sometimes I think we join the wrong competition, I do not favor unnecessary competition of money, power, fame, name. We need to join the real competition of making life better in all aspects. It is a kind of competition where nobody loses.

If you have the answers of these basic questions, then you have already made the decision about staying here or going back. It varies in every case. Someone might give his or her kids a better life perspective by staying here but I will be going back.

These are just my thoughts.

Thanks.
 
All these are valuable thoughts.

Let's look for an alternate - we always dream to bring up our children like we have been brought up by our parents. We would like to keep them in a value system where we were and we think they have a chance to be successful in life in that way. We think that american culture is extremely opposite how we have been brought up and we are apprehensive this might have an adverse affect on our kids which is contrary to our culture and values.

Let's take a step back. Does our idelogy and values exist anywhere ( our birthplace ) or are they only in our dreams. When I go and visit my place - I do not really see the environment I was brought up with and I realize my nostalgia has vanished as years have passed. Drugs and sex is a problem in the calcutta school and neightbourhood now where I was brought up in a traditional and loving way. The families in India are degenarating.

Bottomline - lets not live in our dreams and ideologies and be pragmatic. If we decide that our kids will be brought up here, they will get exposed to the evil side of the society with the good side. We may not like it but it's not gonna change - so we might as well accept is. The trick would be how much we can inject into them our traditional values and culture and I do think the environment at home will be a crusical factor.
 
I think

the Key is PARENTS upbringing. The parents need to know when to bend over and when to be firm. Both the parents should agree and cooperate in this matter. My kids are still too young, but their mind/head is a clean slate. I think it is better to put in your values right at this age. If the fundamentals are very strong, even at a later age, when the friends influence starts, they should have the mental maturity to decide the best and act accordingly. Ugh..easier to say..:)
 
The key to children's emotional success is the parents itself. If the parents have a stable, loving relationship that the children learn to appreciate, they will also embrace the same values - very few exceptions. That's why The Bush's are into politics since Geroge W. and Jeb followed their parents. That's why their daughters are in troublke with alcohol since they have family history of alcohol.

Also remember that the children feel even greater pressures than the parents to adapt, since it's their only country (if they are born here and have spent most of their lives here). It should be up to the parents to make efforts to socialize with American families of all walks of life so that the kids have no trouble adapting into the society and deal with their peers (like their parents).

It's only if they feel alone and the only way to belong in the in-crowd that they will resort to drugs, sex etc

Now, if the parents say they feel lonely etc, imagine how much harder it is for kids. If somebody of x years of age feels lonely, how much harder will it be for kids and teens?

I don't think America is immoral. I live in a neighborhood of low crime, stable marriage and around 90% of kids in school system go to college.
 
I have a teenage daughter who is so interested in going to college in India( she is in 10th grade and from the age of 3 attended schools in England, canada India and now US). she has a lot of friends from very good families. Yet she feels she belongs in India.
Her logic to go back is - if she stays here and goes to college most probably she will go to college somewhere away from home so why not India.
she argues if she does the stuff her friends do we (parents) dont feel happy and if she does not do what her friends do they are not happy. All said and done there is a difference.
she thinks she can study there and then come back. That way she will know how life/ culture is back home.
I would love to agree with her .....

what I personally feel is to get the best of both the worlds we should be able to send our kids to India every vacation for even if we cannot go and let them live with their grandparents so they gather the culture lifestlyle and bond with the family. that way they do not loose touch of life there and also know what is expected of them.

My kids lived in India all summer this year and they think they really lived their life and are looking forward to go again this summer and have set up goals they have to achieve to be able to go back this summer


again this is personal opinion
 
klaas, its good to hear that your daughter loves to spend time in india.........but can you please elaborate what exactly they love their? Just kind of curious! Just want to know again what is it that is in india and not here. I know now whats here and not in india but also want to know whats in india thats not here!!

thanks
 
Guys,

Look back and analyze your past!!
Was it perfect?
NO!!
Did you not do or "thought of doing" some wired things?
aaa.... YES!!
Did you do them.
aaaa... NO!! ;)

Everyone gets a different life, when I was two year old we had a radio (as big as a 14"TV), when I was 5 we had a B&W TV with a shutter and 4 legs, one channel and 3 hours of transmission.

And think what your parents had...
Don't you remember overhearing your parents talking about the effects of watching TV back then (Chitrahar,Krishi Darshan, sunday movie etc. etc.)

The point I am trying to make is that you cannot replicate the environment for your offspring’s that you were brought up in, the thinking of your parents, the people around you etc. etc.


Take life as it comes. Your kids will be fine.. They will find their way, just guide them without them knowing that your thumb is on the navigation thrusters.

or

By all means go to the antique shop and go crazy!!!
 
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