Argument with wife and Affect on Green Card.

GcardHelp,
I feel 3 years is a long time to get used to anyone. If you both are still not compatible it is time to call the shots. Don't waste ur time and her time on something that will only cause further stress in the future.
Life is short and one has to make the most of it..don't waste it on resolving issues that haven't been resolved for 3+ years. Get some sense into your head and be practical about it.
I for one won't trust anyone or would want to be with anyone who calls the cops on me...that is f..ing disgusting.
 
Guys,
The Gorilla's secret is below in Bold Letters. If everybody does what he practices then we all will be leading a life similar to Mr & Mrs Gorilla ( As I don't know your real name). I personally think it is really a great inherant talent to listen to somebody with wholehearteadly and generally most of us including myself ignore this important lesson in life. And secondly the BIG EGO one has which creates lots of lots of problems between couples.

Hats of to you and to your wife :) and I will definately show your comments to my spouse and try to practice Gorilla's style of LIFE :) .

Gorilla said:
i just sit and listen whatever she says and she does too.
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My Dear friend 'Bunch of question" thanks for the wishes there is a nothing i can advice moreover i am not such a talktive person or advisable person, as you asked i noticed couple of things in my life , I never find any mistake on my wife and i completely trust her whatever she does. When my wife came to USA, she use to bore and calls me in the office and i know how many times i even did not go to meetings because i do not want hurt her later i asked do a job and she told she will do a job after the childern gets 12 years and meanwhile she spent more on her time reading 'novels', surfing the net finding the more info about the health, science and Technology going to library find diffrent things and explains me and we discuss and discuss. Listen them they will listen you. Never point to her even if she does mistake, rather explain her what she can do best in that. Never get angry and try not to bring atleast one single past thing whatever she did(bad manner). Now we have two childern and she don't have much time to discuss with me.For me marriage is a thrill, so enjoy it. :)

'thanks for the wishes 'GCcardHelp' for me when i am looking at your family. you guys are really good for each other. Only thing you guys need some time and try not to sit alone, please and please meet friends or call them to your home. All you know you will defintely find diffrence. :)

Thanks for the wishes 'Need Help' you are perfectly right listen them they will lsiten you. any way you already have nice heart man! you take peoples worries as yours.

I am really so small person when i compring to you. This is my experience only.
 
Gorilla said:
My Dear friend 'Bunch of question" thanks for the wishes there is a nothing i can advice moreover i am not such a talktive person or advisable person, as you asked i noticed couple of things in my life , I never find any mistake on my wife and i completely trust her whatever she does. When my wife came to USA, she use to bore and calls me in the office and i know how many times i even did not go to meetings because i do not want hurt her later i asked do a job and she told she will do a job after the childern gets 12 years and meanwhile she spent more on her time reading 'novels', surfing the net finding the more info about the health, science and Technology going to library find diffrent things and explains me and we discuss and discuss. Listen them they will listen you. Never point to her even if she does mistake, rather explain her what she can do best in that. Never get angry and try not to bring atleast one single past thing whatever she did(bad manner). Now we have two childern and she don't have much time to discuss with me.For me marriage is a thrill, so enjoy it. :)

'thanks for the wishes 'GCcardHelp' for me when i am looking at your family. you guys are really good for each other. Only thing you guys need some time and try not to sit alone, please and please meet friends or call them to your home. All you know you will defintely find diffrence. :)

Thanks for the wishes 'Need Help' you are perfectly right listen them they will lsiten you. any way you already have nice heart man! you take peoples worries as yours.

I am really so small person when i compring to you. This is my experience only.
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Thanks Gorilla !! That is excellent advise. I will try and keep these things in my mind next time we come close to an argument. I also wish you the best and Hope you and my other friends get the Green Card approval soon.
 
My 2 cents

GcardHelp:

Get the Police report and show it to any competent Immigration Attorney and have all your questions answered.

About marriage, it seems you two are getting along now. But if you have any doubt in your mind and not 100% on it I would suggest not having a baby until you do. Otherwise the kids life will be ruined.

Follow Gorillas steps to be a good husband.

nanas
 
GCcardHelp,
Another best way to control temper is to divert yourself towards spirituality and one of the best things for both of you is to take up some good YOGA lessons and try to get slowly involved in any voluntary service to the society.

I think if we dedicate sometime to this kind of selfless activities, then we will realise that how fortunate we are all are with life.

And Gorilla Sir, Your statement below really made my DAY and once again thanks for the gread advice of a Happy Married Life :)

Gorilla said:
Thanks for the wishes 'Need Help' you are perfectly right listen them they will lsiten you. any way you already have nice heart man! you take peoples worries as yours.
I am really so small person when i compring to you. This is my experience only.
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>> Originally posted by DSatish
>>
>> Regarding your issues with your wife, try to please her
>> by buying gifts to her, taking her to movies, going on
>> vacation trips, going to shopping frequently(though
>> ususally men don't like that) etc. Then she might
>> change. There is no other way. Divorce is not going to
>> help any of you.

you'd wish it was so simple as that.
marriage & divorce are highly overrated.
if you got to get out of a bad marriage, you got to get out of it.
the fact that your wife went to cops over a simple argument sufficiently demonstrates the fact that she has no regard for you or your marriage.
gifts, movies & shopping is not going to change anything.

goodluck to you
 
GcardHelp

All the suggestion you are getting here make sense but they don't work in all situation. Sometime it's even hard to implement any/all due to martial issue. I am not going to add further to this discussion.

Anyway from immigration point of view: the scenario you have projected, you are currently not in immediate danger. Looks like there were no charges made and officer left without issuing your wife a copy of incident. BTW, in NY it's a law that whenever a call (usually 911) is made related to domestic issue, a report is created and handed over to the party making call.

From my experience I have not seen many lawyers/attorney who are expert in immigration as well as family law. Many claim to do both categories of cases though. You might not be able to get a lot of help unless you have two separate attorney guiding you.

Also, you are the best judge of things happening around you and decide on your intuition regarding issues.

But just be careful with abusive spouse, if that the case. Abuse does not have to be physical; it can be verbal, emotional or both. Usually people who go through abuse are as guilty as person who does it. They fail to understand the situation early on and make decision thinking that situation might improve. It never does. Abuse is like a blood; once tasted you keep looking for more, intentionally or subconsciously.

Just be careful in future with your spouse. If she wants and it’s in her nature, she can really do a lot of damage to you.
 
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dsatish said:
GCardHelp,
Forget about the police issue. You are absolutely safe with regard to immigration status issue. Unless you are convicted, you will not become deportable. For more information on this issue, see the following thread :
http://www.immigrationportal.com/showthread.php?t=144571
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Thanks again DSatish !! I have joined that discussion in the other forum as well. Although I feel much better about it now. After so many years of struggle to get Green Card, the last thing I wanted was to be stuck while coming back from a holiday. I am also thinking of going to the local police station and getting a Police Clearance certificate. I had got one of those before for canadian immigration so I think they will give it to me.
 
usnycus said:
GcardHelp

All the suggestion you are getting here make sense but they don't work in all situation. Sometime it's even hard to implement any/all due to martial issue. I am not going to add further to this discussion.

Anyway from immigration point of view: the scenario you have projected, you are currently not in immediate danger. Looks like there were no charges made and officer left without issuing your wife a copy of incident. BTW, in NY it's a law that whenever a call (usually 911) is made related to domestic issue, a report is created and handed over to the party making call.

From my experience I have not seen many lawyers/attorney who are expert in immigration as well as family law. Many claim to do both categories of cases though. You might not be able to get a lot of help unless you have two separate attorney guiding you.

Also, you are the best judge of things happening around you and decide on your intuition regarding issues.

But just be careful with abusive spouse, if that the case. Abuse does not have to be physical; it can be verbal, emotional or both. Usually people who go through abuse are as guilty as person who does it. They fail to understand the situation early on and make decision thinking that situation might improve. It never does. Abuse is like a blood; once tasted you keep looking for more, intentionally or subconsciously.

Just be careful in future with your spouse. If she wants and it’s in her nature, she can really do a lot of damage to you.
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Thanks !! Actually in this case she did not make any 911 call. She just went straight to the police station and told them about it.

BTW she had done something stupid 5 years ago when we were newly married. She was new to USA and during an argument she dialed 911. The cops immediately came and she told them that we were just arguing. So there was no charges filed. I did not really mention that during my Green Card process as I was not charged of anything. And I got my approval fine.

So it is probably my own mistake because I should have seen this coming. However I just loved my wife a lot and always thought everything will become ok. Things did become fine and its not that we are miserable every day. Its just that she tries to use this thing as way to scare me, whenever the arguments become really bad.

Even now I am so confused because she is again with me. I know she loves me but it is probably that she just has no control over some things. That is what it seems to me and makes my life so hard to take that decision to leave her.
 
GCardHelp :

Let me throw in my 2 cents.

If your wife is not working, ask her to start working. If she's not skilled enough, ask her to attend school or take up some short-term courses that will help her get a job. If she has no interest in the above, then tell her you don't want to listen to her crap all your life. And make it clear that you wear the pants in the house if she wants to be nagging and dependent on you forever. Or ask her to go and live with her relatives if you think she's being influenced by them all the time.

Don't wag your tail in front of her and don't listen to all the threats and abuses she hurls at you. Be a man and take charge of your life.
 
Bhankas,
Did you by any chance write the dialogues of a Hit Hindi Movie "DIL CHATHA HAI". Just kidding my friend and I totally agree with you here. I think sometimes it sounds harsh, but some decisions in life has to be taken though they are hard to make atleast after making those decision, things will get lot better.

bhankas said:
Tell her you don't want to listen to her crap all your life. And make it clear that you wear the pants in the house.... Don't wag your tail in front of her and don't listen to all the threats and abuses she hurls at you. Be a man and take charge of your life.
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GcardHelp Buddy,
In married life, Wife should be the source of strength and not weakness and by your above post, it looks like your wife knows that you can be tamed at any point by using the abuse weapon and I sincerely think that it is a problem coming again in the future. So you guys should take good marriage counselling and try to see if it works out and if not then seriously you will have to make a hard decision like I said above and then move on with Life. Good Luck to you!
 
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Sorry to hear. But you have to divorce her as she is basically blackmailing you. Make sure, you move your assets to India where she cannot trace. What is her financial position? If she is dependent on you, then I think she is like a barking dog. I don't think, this will impact your GC but then, what if it does? Balls to GC with no peace of mind.
I can tell you one thing - You have lots of patience. And I really wish that it pays off.
 
Well said bhankas

Try to fit in the frame or just through out the frame.
But most of the times neither work.

Good Luck GcardHelp. I hope time will decide. But don't take any bad steps.
 
I understand how you feel about this and your love towards your spouse. But you need more than love in marriage to make it happen & work. I believe above all, you need mutual respect and care for each other.

I would say get educated about issues you may or may not face in future and never ever loose control in any situation. Occasionally people might do or say things that are going to make you angry and restless but in no circumstance let that affect your behavior.

As I said before, you are the best judge in this situation. Act sensibly in all situations. Domestic violence is not a joke and usually husband(s) gets into trouble. It may get you deported.

GcardHelp said:
Thanks !! Actually in this case she did not make any 911 call. She just went straight to the police station and told them about it.

BTW she had done something stupid 5 years ago when we were newly married. She was new to USA and during an argument she dialed 911. The cops immediately came and she told them that we were just arguing. So there was no charges filed. I did not really mention that during my Green Card process as I was not charged of anything. And I got my approval fine.

So it is probably my own mistake because I should have seen this coming. However I just loved my wife a lot and always thought everything will become ok. Things did become fine and its not that we are miserable every day. Its just that she tries to use this thing as way to scare me, whenever the arguments become really bad.

Even now I am so confused because she is again with me. I know she loves me but it is probably that she just has no control over some things. That is what it seems to me and makes my life so hard to take that decision to leave her.
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coolone said:
Sorry to hear. But you have to divorce her as she is basically blackmailing you. Make sure, you move your assets to India where she cannot trace. What is her financial position? If she is dependent on you, then I think she is like a barking dog. I don't think, this will impact your GC but then, what if it does? Balls to GC with no peace of mind.
I can tell you one thing - You have lots of patience. And I really wish that it pays off.
Click to expand...
She has actually been working for the past year and a half. Although her salary is about half of mine. So I think she really meant it when she wanted to leave me.

But I had talked to my parents who called her folks in India. Her folks then called her at her relatives house here in USA and told her to go right back to her husband's house. That is why she came back. However when she came back she was still quite mad and arrogant. Its just that she became unwell and had a fever and I forgot everything about the fight. I took her to the doctor and right now she is much better. Otherwise I had no intentions of patching up with her.

Her folks back in India have been quite understanding and they have told us to stay calm and forget this episode. But the same cannot be said about her relatives here in the USA. (She has a brother and a bhabhi who influence her a lot into making stupid decisions).
 
I think it looks like you guys are having issues because of external infulence, so the best thing to do is to tell her Parents openly about who is influencing her in all this mess and tell them what was her actions recently and how it is affecting your life in total and then make sure that your wife stops interacting with them and if possible move to a different place so that it becomes difficult for her brother and bhabhi to influence her personally. And also apart from all this, you guys should take counselling lessons as it will really help you both in leading a good and happy married life.

I am not just saying this, I am telling you with a experience as one of my cousins who is well educated and her husband who is in a pretty high post in US had serious issues like you guys and they finally kept everything apart and they came to my place and stayed over for a week and took some marriage counselling and they also participated in some discussion groups where people with similar problems discuss and try to help each other. And now they are leading a decent married life. Try it out and see if it works!
GcardHelp said:
Her folks back in India have been quite understanding and they have told us to stay calm and forget this episode. But the same cannot
be said about her relatives here in the USA. (She has a brother and a bhabhi who influence her a lot into making stupid decisions).
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My friend 'Gc card help'

Here in the forum people are giving really very much moral support so you are not alone, you wrote things might come back, you should not live with fear, it may defintely cause more dangerous problems. Here the people in this forum had expressed their great valuble feelings and i too strongly agree with those. Decision is yours, never never interfere other person(as you said her relatives) between you guys that will cause more and more fire. so take your steps more and more cautiously.

Yes that is true, you guys should try Marriage counselling lessons.It may really help you both in leading a good and happy married life.
 
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After reading your last response about her family; looks like they are non-stop interfering and making situation worse. Usually family involvement in this kind of matter helps but it all depends on how good/bad their suggestions are.

As you have pointed out; her parents STILL consider you as a person with whom her daughter can spend her life. But, anyone can figure this out easily; it won’t hold long. They might realize or made to believe that there is no future for you both when she along with her well wisher (in US) keeps updating them with ideas. If her brother/bhabhi are guiding her in the direction that is making your life miserable, you are in really bad shape. They won’t stop and they have nothing to gain or loose (at-least that what they have perceived). I would say talk to them separately (not in-front of your spouse) and get the feeling before you make any decision. They might be putting oil in the flame by consoling her not to worry if marriage fails.

I have seen similar situation like yours: How two people who were deeply in love, went against their family to marry each other and eventually end up in bad situation because of family non-stop interference. One of the spouse (wife) never understood her family motive and other spouse (husband) was not willing to bend in-front of her family. They finally end up having a very bitter divorce.

I prey you don’t have to go through all.

Let me give you advice and try to remember throughout your life: PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE; that happens only in movies and unfortunately you are not watching a movie. In real life, we all are full of attitude and perception about people/thing. We might compromise occasionally but our basic nature or you can say behavior never changes.
 
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