Argument with wife and Affect on Green Card.

G

GcardHelp

Registered Users (C)
I have got my 485 approval and am going for stamping next week. I had a major argument with my wife this weekend and we were on the verge of divorce. Yesterday, my wife decided to leave me and go to her friend's place. I had some immigration related documents at work (like passport etc) and she went to the local police station complaining about that. She told the cops a false story that I threatened her and other stuff. She gave them my work number and I got a call from the Officer.

I immediately clarified to the officer and also told him that my wife is welcome to have those documents anytime. I had just taken them to make some copies. He told me if I could drop them off in local police station. I said YES I could. So in 15 minutes I went to the police station and dropped them to my wife.

Then there were some more docs needed by my wife so I requested the officer to come to our apartment and then I will give those docs to her in his presence. The officer was just wanting to make sure that the document's were handed over to my wife. I told the officer about the things my wife does. She takes advantage of being a woman and always threatens to call cops on me if we have any sort of argument which does not go her way. I have been facing this harassment for 3 yrs. I told him that I felt more comfortable with him being there so there is proof. I did not get arrested or recieve any warning at all.

He said that all remaing property split can be discussed in court with our respective attorneys. Then I left back to work after shaking the officer's hand. My wife also went to her friend's home.

Now we have patched up and she is back. Could this affect my background history in any way. Is this considered any type of criminal offense. My wife says that she did not file any sort of written complaint at all. She said everything discussed with the officer was just verbal and she just wanted her documents back. She had told the police that we had a fight and she is leaving. The officer asked her if there was any physical/verbal assault and she said NO there was not. (Although I am not sure if i can totally believe her on this )

I have a trip coming up to India and want to be sure that they will not deport me. I am really worried. Is there a way to verify that my record is clean even though I never got arrested at all.

Gurus: Please help me on this.

Thanks in advance !!
 
The moment you are charged, they will inform you that you are charged (or you will get a notice). They didn't arrest you either. So you absolutely do not have any legal problems. So don't worry about that. Regarding your issues with your wife, try to please her by buying gifts to her, taking her to movies, going on vacation trips, going to shopping frequently(though ususally men don't like that) etc. Then she might change. There is no other way. Divorce is not going to help any of you.
 
Hi,

Though whatever iam posting slightly off from immigration related thing i wanted to quote here since i thought its relevant.

I don't think the life partners will live together just by impressing them taking to movies, shopping etc. They should understand each other from innersense. If their idealogies and attitudes doesn't match and if they are not comfortable living together there is no point in living together. Even if you guys compromise today tomorrow it will end up in repeating. It depends from case to case basis on what points people are separated.

But separation is not an absolute wrong decision. If required people should separate from each other. That's what i think is ideal. That's the reason both the male and female partner should be financially independent (mean should work) so that there won't be any dependency or obligation (just because they are not working) for to stick on this other partner.

But in the society (in indians) there are lot of cases women won't work and only men will work. Women won't know how to ride the car and they are absolutely dependent on their husband. That gives the male to think they are superior and start dominating which is absolutely ridiculous.

So my friend if you whole heartedly feel its worth to separate guys should separate. As satish mentioned there should not be any major issues with immigration. Even if something comes up you can always explain after taking the divorce in court or wherever.
 
Dear Friend,
By looking at your post, I can clearly see that you guys have real differences and trust issue between each other and like wonderfulboy mentioned that you both should talk to each other in a friendly manner and see what is good for both of you on long run as you are saying that you are facing this harassment for 3 years and it looks like you are still not sure if she is going to stop harassing you! So better talk to each other with an open mind and by doing so, it will help both of you in leading life in a better way rather than getting arrested nextime.

And regarding immigration, she you were not arrested, they will treat this issue as a minor domestic issue and cops generally understand that this things happen between couples and I believe that your wife is telling truth to you that she has mentioned that you didn't abuse her, otherwise you would have been arrested. So Good Luck to both of you!
GcardHelp said:
I have been facing this harassment for 3 yrs. I told him that I felt more comfortable with him being there so there is proof.
Now we have patched up and she is back. My wife says that she did not file any sort of written complaint at all. She said everything discussed with the officer was just verbal and she just wanted her documents back. She had told the police that we had a fight and she is leaving. The officer asked her if there was any physical/verbal assault and she said NO there was not. (Although I am not sure if i can totally believe her on this )
Click to expand...
 
I don't agree that divorce is the best solution for fighting couples. Even if you marry another women, there is no guarantee that there won't be any fights. Also i do not agree that "talking every thing openly with spouse" is going to solve this problem. If that were to solve marital problems, then there wouldn't have been divorces in this world. Trying to talk out all the issues might actually aggravate the situation because each will say that other person is always wrong or totally wrong. There will be a big blame game.
The fightings / divorces are a result of incompatibility between the two people. Since you can't ask her or expect her to change to be compatible with you, i am suggesting that atleast you try to change yourself to become compatible with her desires / likings. It is something that is in your hand. Once you start pleasing her, then she will automatically change.
 
GcardHelp,
Openness won't solve marital problems instead it might complicate the issue(dsatish is right). Most of the problems in life are due to level of expectation. Success of marriage is directly proportional to level of compromises but the question is who makes the compromise.
 
dsatish said:
The moment you are charged, they will inform you that you are charged (or you will get a notice). They didn't arrest you either. So you absolutely do not have any legal problems. So don't worry about that. Regarding your issues with your wife, try to please her by buying gifts to her, taking her to movies, going on vacation trips, going to shopping frequently(though ususally men don't like that) etc. Then she might change. There is no other way. Divorce is not going to help any of you.
Click to expand...

DSatish and Friends..Thanks very much for the advise. I really appreciate it. I had one more question. Since the officer did not inform me of any charge, Is there a way to know if any charge is heading by mail to my home. My wife is willing to go back to Police Station just for my clarification but I am not sure if that is necessary. Maybe that may even cause a negative affect for her and me. I have read of cases posted on this forum where people have been convicted of criminal charges like domestic verbal abuse etc etc and were denied entry (and deported) even after the Green Card passport stamp. I think they have a database check at the airports where they can easily find this out if a person has a criminal record or not. That is why I wanted to know if there is any way to find this out right now.

I have even heard of cases where the spouse has taken back the charges, however the state has not. Although in my case if there were any charges, the officer would have atleast informed me of it.

Now comes the other issue. Well I wish it was so simple as just taking her out to movies or vacation. Believe me we have done all that many times. But there is so much more to it that I could probably write a novel. But in short it is always a matter of ego's. That leads to all these arguments. My wife has a lot of relatives here and they influence her to take stupid decisions. They are always butting in our lives. She has realized that it was very foolish to go to the cops but she could not control herself in anger. She has also understood that by seperating it will help nobody. That is why she came back. I have been advised by attorneys to just leave the place. But where should I go. I have no place here but my apartment. So we both have decided to give it another chance and see where it leads us.
ALthough the cops thing has really affected me deeply because it was not expected at all. Just because she is a woman, She thinks she can threaten me all the time in fear of calling cops since in USA guys have no rights. That is something in her that has not changed at all. Its not that she does it every day. But whenever she cant control her anger she will verbally threaten me. She knows I have no other place to go and so she takes advantage of the fact. Maybe it is due to insecurity but it is hard to tell how a woman really feels. So hope you guys get the high level picture although I know that it is always the fault of both and not just 1 person. Although there is a lot more to it then this..
 
As per my knowledge ... you will not be in trouble. However ,, i do not find it convincing that the officer did not file a log report regarding the time he spent with you guys ... think about it. !!!! So i guess there must be an entry explaining where the officer spent that time. No officer knocks at any door without informing the back up support. Even when they pull a car, base is informed.

Gcardhelp .... On the contrary I agree , somewhat, with wonderfulboy. Since a simmilar case happened with a friend's brother.

My advice to you as I wud have given myself or my brother.

Divorce is not liked in any religion, however its there. Plan your action for next incedent. Take advise from your attorney. Your wife can make your life miserable in USA, I have seen guys ended up Paying monthly money to wives through court order. They can NOT leave USA without paroll. etc

SO POLLEEZ ... TRY TO RESOLVE ISSUES WITH HER .... AND .... alongside make your base strong ( ask attorney ) and dont think that Divorce will set you free. You will end up paying Alimony to your wife.

What you have written above .. its not love .. dude .. seems there is lack of mutual respect. I am not assuming that youare a nice guy, but I can guarantee no Indian male wud call police over his wife. This is extreme. She did not care about the result or your public humiliation.

Secretly .. start digging your scape route ... because NO ONE can guarantee that she will not do it again . she did it once, who will stop her next time ?.. just be on the safe side ... meanwhile ... try to resolve issue.

Good Luck

did I mention .. relaives are like a Cancer when it comes to Man and Wife. stay away dude. You will find peace in each other
 
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The things which did not go straight for 3 years.. will not be right in future.
Don't waste your LIFE .... She is taking advantage of your concern about dignity.
Try another nice lady
or you give her a shot

The second one may not work if she is unconcern with any thing.

Show her to a Doctor(psyciatrist)...[ sorry for spelling ]
 
As a person, I can't take tension. I would prefer Divorcee if the tension continues that too for 3 years. Please understand Divorcee should be the last option not the first and you are the best Judge for your case. Life is to enjoy not to die everyday thinking about what she / he will do next.

There was a Indian family. They had a son who was very notorious. He will always threaten calling 911. His father quitely took him to India and starting beating him at the Airport. He left him in India and came back.This real instance I heard from someone in Indianapolis, Indiana.
Take your decision. Again you are the best Judge for your case.
"Be professional". By that I mean when one fights other should walk off from there. Otherwise matter become worse.
Also read Lincoln life story. You will gain a lot from that. Don't give that book to your wife.
See some Indian movie where wife leaves her house and goes to her parents place only to repent in the end.
Consult pshycologist someone like Dr. Phil.

Ensoy (TM)
 
I think it is better to talk about all your issues and solve the problem. There is nothing which can not be solved. Solution of the problem is not giving up ! or simply degrade yourself and give a chance to others to take advantage of your prper behaviour. Trust me once you start fearing you will live in fear all your life. Sometime wife's parent support their gilrls for wrong which end up troubling some one else's like yours life. It is better to live in peace rather than live in fear all your life. If a girl think she has a right to harras you since she is in USA, trust my friend in USA guys's also has some rights. Do not worry to much about GC, beacuse GC is not everything in life.
My suggestion to you rather than lingering this go talk to a "Marriage Counsellor." Just talk to your wife and get her to a understanding point. File for "No Fault" divorce. It takes 90 days to get it done. You need not to pay for all her life. You have to be calm and resolute to convince her. Trust me you can one more effort to resolve it otherwise you will be better off without her. Just think, if wife can not offer you peace then why and for what some one is married? Just to live in fear! threats for 911 and fear to pay alimony. Hey once you get over all these fear everything will be alright. Life never stops for some one all the time.
Good luck! May GOD give some strentgh to your wife to be an understanding and caring spouse.
 
You

were not arrested or charged. Nothing is in record. One thing is for sure...the cops do have record of your wife complaining about you(and hopefully they have you co-operating with officials in this matter).

Maybe try to get a copy of this record (if it indeed exists)...

'Trust' is the keyword. Maybe time to move on?
 
GCardHelp...

I sympathize you and I know women take advantages like this. If you have no place to go, I live in Atlanta you can come to me visit, or even call me when you are stressed. My friends usually told me that I help in relieving stress.

It is very important that you both sit together and talk and decide what is a turn-off for both of you. If one person starts showing restraint the other person follows slowly. I have a friend whose wife when wanted to fight would call him on phone and shout a lot, sometimes she would call 10 times in an hour and shout. Slowly he stopped taking her calls and listen to the voicemails if something important he would call back otherwise ignore. And lots of times he realised that after shouting on phone his wife also get calm by evening when he reaches home.

They also took help from someone, and that guy told them "Don't react" too fast. Also he said that we keep on talking that we could have got much better spouse but you have to think otherwise too, you could have even got worse, so you should try to be content with what you have. I know all this is easier said than done but people have practiced it and it has worked for them.
If you slowly stop reacting to her anger she would look foolish shouting by herself and would stop doing that after a while.
 
GCCardhelp,

sorry to hear abt ur situation and hope it works out! it must be such ajoyous moment for u one one side, initially u had mentioned that ur GC got approved last week and u r planning to go for PP stamp next week. am not sure how long u waited for this moment, but like the most of us on this forum...its a great moment for us when the GC approval comes thru.

on the other side u have these other personal issues to deal with. i am not a marraige counselor and this is an immigration forum , so i will stick to that point. all i will say is BE STRONG and have faith in urself.

1) as far as ur police record goes, you can go down to the local precinct and request if they have any of your records. make sure u have the date of the incident, it will help solve the issue faster. this way if the officer filed anything, u will see a copy of it. in most places there is a cost of $2 for the copy.

in case u are concerned abt the negative impact on ur record and dont want to bring it up. try contacting the officer directly and ask him if any log/report was filed. for this u will either need his badge number or name. again, go down to the precinct and see if u can look up that person.

2) i am not sure where you live in the US but I have been here long enuff to realize that 'my new family' is my circle of friends here. in case u feel u need some time to sort things out, i am in houston,tx and u r more than welcome to stay with us anytime (i didnt even as k my wife...oops!). I am sure there are plenty of ppl on this forum who can sympathize with ur situation and wud offer their place also.

good luck with everything and hope for the best...this part of life is way tougher than getting a GC.
 
Cheekoo said:
As per my knowledge ... you will not be in trouble. However ,, i do not find it convincing that the officer did not file a log report regarding the time he spent with you guys ... think about it. !!!! So i guess there must be an entry explaining where the officer spent that time. No officer knocks at any door without informing the back up support. Even when they pull a car, base is informed.

Gcardhelp .... On the contrary I agree , somewhat, with wonderfulboy. Since a simmilar case happened with a friend's brother.

My advice to you as I wud have given myself or my brother.

Divorce is not liked in any religion, however its there. Plan your action for next incedent. Take advise from your attorney. Your wife can make your life miserable in USA, I have seen guys ended up Paying monthly money to wives through court order. They can NOT leave USA without paroll. etc

SO POLLEEZ ... TRY TO RESOLVE ISSUES WITH HER .... AND .... alongside make your base strong ( ask attorney ) and dont think that Divorce will set you free. You will end up paying Alimony to your wife.

What you have written above .. its not love .. dude .. seems there is lack of mutual respect. I am not assuming that youare a nice guy, but I can guarantee no Indian male wud call police over his wife. This is extreme. She did not care about the result or your public humiliation.

Secretly .. start digging your scape route ... because NO ONE can guarantee that she will not do it again . she did it once, who will stop her next time ?.. just be on the safe side ... meanwhile ... try to resolve issue.

Good Luck

did I mention .. relaives are like a Cancer when it comes to Man and Wife. stay away dude. You will find peace in each other
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot for the info. I agree with all your points here. I can never call cops over her as that is the last thing on my mind. I did consult a divorce attorney and they told me to get out of there asap. So it is very confusing indeed. Maybe I should have notified the cops that she is back but they told me that she can come back anytime since it is her apartment as well.

I also agree about the officer logging the report. He had actually called his supervisor over to my apartment also so there were 2 of them. However I am not sure if they can just remove the report from their records. Even if my wife goes there and asks them to. I guess the key issue is (If this is strong enough ground for deportation while re entering the country). Does the USCIS have any database for these police reports. Is it important enough for them to track. Or do they only care about criminal convictions. (which did not happen for me hopefully).
 
wat_04 said:
were not arrested or charged. Nothing is in record. One thing is for sure...the cops do have record of your wife complaining about you(and hopefully they have you co-operating with officials in this matter).

Maybe try to get a copy of this record (if it indeed exists)...

'Trust' is the keyword. Maybe time to move on?
Click to expand...

Can i just go and ask for a copy of the records if they logged it. I will try it in the evening today and see if that is possible. Hopefully it will not affect us in a negative way
 
'Gurus' you guys are really good. :) . I mean such a great people so much great advice always. We been maried 5 years. Me and my wife never ever fought or aruged for single issue. When i am with her i never concentrate any TV or any things, i just sit and listen whatever she says and she does too. We have two childern now and even we never felt so stressed. GC is the only one stressed us some time. Any way you and your wife are back now, that is really good to hear atleast try to change now. Don't go to india now things may become worst. like our 'gurus' said do diffrent things you guys will become together more strong. :) . I pray god nothing will happen to your GC.

Any way congratulations on your approval! start a fresh life now. :)
 
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benarasibabu said:
I think it is better to talk about all your issues and solve the problem. There is nothing which can not be solved. Solution of the problem is not giving up ! or simply degrade yourself and give a chance to others to take advantage of your prper behaviour. Trust me once you start fearing you will live in fear all your life. Sometime wife's parent support their gilrls for wrong which end up troubling some one else's like yours life. It is better to live in peace rather than live in fear all your life. If a girl think she has a right to harras you since she is in USA, trust my friend in USA guys's also has some rights.
Click to expand...

I wonder what rights guys have. When the girl is willing to lie to the cops and tell them about it. I think the cops will only listen to her as she is the physically weaker person. What if she just hits herself and then claims that it was me. It seems like a route with no escape for the guy.

I wonder if I can contact someone and explain my situation and see if I can get any sort of help if this happens again just to protect myself from this sort of abuse.
 
Gorilla said:
'Gurus' you guys are really good. :) . I mean such a great people so much great advice always. We been maried 5 years. Me and my wife never ever fought or aruged for single issue. When i am with her i never concentrate any TV or any things, i just sit and listen whatever she says and she does too. We have two childern now and even we never felt so stressed. GC is the only one stressed us some time. Any way you and your wife are back now, that is really good to hear atleast try to change now. Don't go to india now things may become worst. like our 'gurus' said do diffrent things you guys will become together more strong. :) . I pray god nothing will happen to your GC.

Any way congratulations on your approval! start a fresh life now. :)
Click to expand...
Golrilla:

First off my heartiest wishes for your happy married life. I am serious how do you guys do that? We are married for 6 years and have 1 kid and expecting the second one. Though we don't fight everyday, but we do fight. Can you give some advise or share your experiences may be.

Thanks
 
Gorilla said:
'Gurus' you guys are really good. :) . I mean such a great people so much great advice always. We been maried 5 years. Me and my wife never ever fought or aruged for single issue. When i am with her i never concentrate any TV or any things, i just sit and listen whatever she says and she does too. We have two childern now and even we never felt so stressed. GC is the only one stressed us some time. Any way you and your wife are back now, that is really good to hear atleast try to change now. Don't go to india now things may become worst. like our 'gurus' said do diffrent things you guys will become together more strong. :) . I pray god nothing will happen to your GC.

Any way congratulations on your approval! start a fresh life now. :)
Click to expand...

Gorilla: Thanks for the best wishes. Even I am amazed on how you do it. You are definitely the perfect husband. I am nowhere near you in this respect. ,I tell you that after getting this Green Card, i seriously believe that it is not so important. More important is the marriage. So you definitely will be a winner all your life.
 
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