patienceGC
Registered Users (C)
Thought I'd start you all with a quote from my idol and philosopher...the incomparable... Mr.George Costanza!
Tgif
- Thread starter patienceGC
- Start date
1amShantanuB
Banned
Concept was OKay
but irrational even for comprehension
How will a person die in first place unless he exist. The starting point of that "cycle" is totally rediculus.. rest are all very nice..
okay after all it is tgif......................
but irrational even for comprehension
How will a person die in first place unless he exist. The starting point of that "cycle" is totally rediculus.. rest are all very nice..
okay after all it is tgif......................
1amShantanuB
Banned
Originally posted by sam99
sachin's photograph
I HATE this
Picture is "deformed" beyond limits ......
vijayrc
Registered Users (C)
SH & GW
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send
George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service...
the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send
George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service...
the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!
AnotherGCApplic
Registered Users (C)
HUMOR: Classes for Men (atleast for most)
Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up now.
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
TOPIC 1 HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2 THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT
UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 4 FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY
INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 6 LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT
PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8 HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL
PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH
OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12 HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE
LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14 CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
that they can be easily found.
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.
Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up now.
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
TOPIC 1 HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2 THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT
UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 4 FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY
INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 6 LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT
PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8 HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL
PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH
OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12 HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE
LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14 CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
that they can be easily found.
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.
Expert Advice
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Family Tradition
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan unless I did."
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan unless I did."
Nandhakumar
Registered Users (C)
Real Children !
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
Our mothers encouraged us to help while cooking. We stuck fingers inside the bowl while mum was whizzing it with the electric beater, occasionally to get it caught between the beaters and effectively stop something spinning around at 500 rpm. We learned not to do it and got over it.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate crisp sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes poked out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood while holding the handlebars of the person next to us.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned to deal with it all.
And you're one of them.
Congratulations!
We, who have had the luck to grow up as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for
our own good.
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
Our mothers encouraged us to help while cooking. We stuck fingers inside the bowl while mum was whizzing it with the electric beater, occasionally to get it caught between the beaters and effectively stop something spinning around at 500 rpm. We learned not to do it and got over it.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate crisp sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes poked out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood while holding the handlebars of the person next to us.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned to deal with it all.
And you're one of them.
Congratulations!
We, who have had the luck to grow up as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for
our own good.
Nandhakumar
Registered Users (C)
Little Johnny
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces lumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces lumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Originally posted by vijayrc
SH & GW
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send
George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service...
the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!
Nice one
patienceGC
Registered Users (C)
did someone make your wife look better in this pic?
st8
Registered Users (C)
Tell it like it is!
As our plane made it's landing at O'Hare, the flight attendant began her "welcome and thanks" speech.
"Welcome to Chicago, where the local time is 6:15. It has been our
pleasure to serve you today. We hope you have enjoyed your flight.
We know you have a choice of bankrupt airlines, and we thank you for
choosing United."
- rec.humor.funny jokes
As our plane made it's landing at O'Hare, the flight attendant began her "welcome and thanks" speech.
"Welcome to Chicago, where the local time is 6:15. It has been our
pleasure to serve you today. We hope you have enjoyed your flight.
We know you have a choice of bankrupt airlines, and we thank you for
choosing United."
- rec.humor.funny jokes
Last edited by a moderator:
st8
Registered Users (C)
Its all about perspective!
A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for the old man by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there is warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
Marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. It is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for the old man by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there is warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
Marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. It is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail