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[GodHelpUsGC]

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

==========================
Some instructions on actual products:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

 

[1amShantanuB]

Mr . Laloo Prasad Yadav was sitting with his Ministers examining mail . Suddenly Mr. Laloo cried out : ' Look at this letter ! It is addressed to the stupidest man in Bihar '. His ministers tried to calm him by saying : How dare a man address such a letter to you ? '. Mr. Laloo replied sadly : This does not bother me, but why did the postman deliver it at the right address?'

 

[1amShantanuB]

Laloo, Jayalalitha, and Sonia are on a long flight in an Air Force plane.
Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says, "I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."
Jayalalitha, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my 100 Rupee note, I would split it into two Rs.50 notes, throw them down and make two people down below happy." Of course Sonia doesn't want these two candidates to out do her so she pipes in, 'I would instead take one hundred Rs.I notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "If I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 975 million people happy!"

 

[1amShantanuB]

Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return
to my country?" God answered, "You can never see peace in your country
during your lifetime." Saddam wept bitterly and walked away. Nawaz Sharif
approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?"
God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept
and walked away. Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar
become a civilised state?" God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see
that happening during my life time."

 

[r15118]

Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

[srraja]

IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL

IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a
necessary part of modern life. But have you
wondered,
what if God decided to install voicemail?"

Imagine praying and hearing this:
Hi! Thank you for calling GOD. Please select one of
the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
Else wait for our Customer Support Executive.

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other
sinners right now. However, your prayer is important
to us and will be answered in the order it as
received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as
you call God in Prayer:
If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Sorry He is on Annual Leave!
For a directory of other God's & Angels, Press 3.
If you would like to hear Narad sing a Bhajan while
you are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her PAN number, then
press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try
area code 420 for (Hell).

Our computers show that you have already prayed
once
today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This
office is closed for the weekend to observe a
religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after
9:30
AM. If you need emergency assistance when this
office
is closed, contact your local Priest at your
neighbourhood Temple.

 

[Honest]

Good one.

Enter your area code followed by # sign.

To speak to International God Press 1.
For Local God Press 2.
If you want option 4, press 3.
option 4, wait for satan to come online..

 

[r15118]

soccer

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

 

[r15118]

didn't recognize you

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a
near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked if this was it.

God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy
tuck, etc. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the
most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the
last operation, and while crossing
the street was killed by an ambulance
speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another
40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[r15118]

Looking for me

The boss of a big company needed to call
one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's
whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of
having to talk to a youngster the boss
asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small
voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a
young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave
a message with the person who should
be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?"
the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at
his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,"
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he
heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the ear piece on the phone the
boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the
whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the
boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child
answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a
little frustrated, the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me."

 

[r15118]

Making babies

A second grader came home from school and said
her mother, “Mom, guess what! We learned how to make
babies today”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do
you make babies?”

“It’s simple, “ replied the girl. “You just change y to
i and add es.”