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[r15118]

First Ride

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

 

[r15118]

Can I Use The Stairs?

A man tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to use the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed.

"It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

 

[r15118]

The Phone Call

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the
boy's mother reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, "Your father wants to know if you have any
cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion.

"Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."

 

[roran]

The Voices Within..

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lies down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievous side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says, "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says, "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."

Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian."

 

[roran]

Tell Tale Signs..

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[roran]

Mind over Matter

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds."

Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.

So they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 

[roran]

The Business Marriage

A businessman was being interviewed about his life and career when the subject of his wife of thirty years came up.

"To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?" asked the interviewer.

"Well," replied the businessman, "You know that saying 'Behind every successful man there's a woman'?"

"Yes."

"Well, behind every successful man's woman is a pre-nuptial agreement."