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A Father, a Priest, and a CEO of an HMO

A father, a priest, and a CEO of an HMO all died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter asked each of them what they did to deserve entering the gates of heaven. He first asked the father, "What did you do?"

The father replied, "Well, I raised a family, stayed loyal to my wife, and contributed to the community."

St. Peter said, "You're right, you were a good man. Come on in!"

St. Peter then asked the priest, "What did you do?"

The priest replied, "Well, I devoted my entire life to God and helped those in need."

St. Peter said, "You're right, you were a good man. Come on in!"

Then St. Peter asked the CEO of an HMO, "What did you do?"

The CEO replied, "Well, I provided health care to many people who could otherwise not afford medical treatment."

St. Peter said, "You're right, you did help others. Come on in... But you can only stay for three days."
 
How Many Did You Catch?

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked,

"Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied,

"You are the 6th today, sir!"
 
A Woman's Prayer

A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, for love to forgive him, and to have patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death
 
Geography

The Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography Of A Man
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
 
Coming to America

Not sure whether this one is posted already.
But anyway...


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
Singh Jr

A first-grade teacher, Ms Kaur was having trouble with
one of her students studying at DPS Patiala.

The teacher asked, "Singh Jr. what is your problem?
"Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the
first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!

"Ms Kaur had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the
principal's office. While Singh Jr. waited in the
outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Kaur he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Singh Jr. was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3? "Singh Jr.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6? "Singh Jr.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Kaur and tells her, "I think
Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade.

"Ms Kaur says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions. Can I ask him? "The principal and Singh Jr.
both agree.

Ms Kaur asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs.

"Ms Kaur: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?
"Singh Jr.: "Pockets.

"Ms Kaur "What does a dog do that a man steps into?
"Singh Jr.: "Pants

"Ms Kaur: What starts with a C and ends with a T,is
hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?Singh Jr.: Coconut

Ms Kaur:What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer, Singh Jr. was taking
charge.
Singh Jr.: Bubblegum

Ms Kaur:What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer...
Singh Jr.: Shake hands

Ms Kaur: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay? Singh Jr.: Yep.

Ms Kaur: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Singh Jr.: Tent

Ms Kaur A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored.The best man always has me first.The
Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took
one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring

Ms Kaur I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me,you feel good.
Singh Jr.: Nose

Ms Kaur I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.I come
with a quiver.
Singh Jr.: Arrow

Ms Kaur: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in
K'that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Singh Jr.: Firetruck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, "Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I
got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
 
4 letter words...........

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
 
American law

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have,

'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

LOL
 
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