Some PJs to go with a slow afternoon

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waytoolong

Registered Users (C)
Some PJs to go with a slow afternoon *TGIF*

Confucius Says:

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

America good place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Confucious say it take square ass to shit a brick.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.

To make egg roll, push it.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
 
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More PJs

Role Reversal
Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Kuwait a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. Recently, Barbara returned to Kuwait and observed that the MEN now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the Kuwaiti women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
 
One more

Australian Immigration
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
 
Fly Swatter

A woman walked into the kitchen and saw her husband standing there holding a fly swatter. The woman asked, "What are you doing?"
The man replied, "Hunting flies." The woman asks, "Oh, did you kill any?"

The man replied, "Yep, killed five. Three male and two female." Intrigued the woman said, "And how do you know which ones are male and which ones are female?"

The man answers, "Three were three on a beer can and two were on the phone."
 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 
Lawyer joke

A Hindu priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, 'Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of y'uall gonna have to sleep in the barn.' The travelers agree to this and the Hindu volunteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the Hindu, who says, 'Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion won't allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow.' The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindu and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there's another knock on the door. It's the Muslim, and he says, 'Hey, I'm truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion won't let me sleep near a pig.' The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there's another knock on the door. It's the cow and pig.
 
Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-- I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
 
Originally posted by dsatish
Hi waytoolong,
Are you a Male or Female ? I guess that you are a Man, aren't you ?
Click to expand...
Why - because I have been doing absolutely nothing at work today ?
 
Confucius (er .. maybe not) says it's TGIF

Confucius says :

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

90% of all statistics are made up.

"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
 
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Why - because I have been doing absolutely nothing at work today ?

You are right, waytoolong. Females don't misuse office time.
 
Re: Why - because I have been doing absolutely nothing at work today ?

Originally posted by dsatish
You are right, waytoolong. Females don't misuse office time.
Click to expand...

If Females doesn't use internet doesn't mean that they don't misuse office time. What do you say about the women who spend their time on telephone conversation, chatting in cafeteria,.......
 
TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE:
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we
go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and
companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and, electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I
bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the
carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but
BOY, can she climb a tree now.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said,
'Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
 
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