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R

roran

Registered Users (C)
As always, it is thursday and I am here to post some jokes. I hope and pray that everyone get approved soon.

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Captioning For The Pregnant-Impaired

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her and she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court. The young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under one that read, "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read, "William's Stick Did the Trick". Then, I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an ad which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

Case dismissed!
:D
 
Three Priests And The Railroad Ticket Clerk

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go
home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very
shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests
were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to
determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached
the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets
to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and
fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in
nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that
when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his
peter at you."
 
No offense please...just a joke

A Paki, Bangladeshi and Indian are in a bar one night having a beer. The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Indian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Paki and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
 
a day late and a dollar short, lots of baaaaaaad ones but...

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar where one was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but_don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food_in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A_beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't_much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste_funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
____"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
____"Is it common?"
____"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
____ The other says, "Are you sure?"
____ The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is_there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and_examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have_to put him down."
"What?! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5_people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my_dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But_ I'm pretty sure it's Co! lin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find_any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he_couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too_high."

17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,_"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't._I've cut your arms off."

18. I went to a seafood disco restaurant last week.... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in_the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak_and heat it too.

20. _I'm addicted to placebos. _I was going to quit, but it wouldn't make_any difference.
 
Re: No offense please...just a joke

No offense?? Screw 'em if they take offense.

Originally posted by baven
A Paki, Bangladeshi and Indian are in a bar one night having a beer. The Paki drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Indian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Paki and Bangladeshi. He says "In Delhi we have so many Paki and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
Click to expand...
 
Prayers have been answered..

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
Psych

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful young lady sitting at the bar.

After a drink and a little time gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chat with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

He orders another round to calm himself down. Before he can finish up his drink, gather up his things and put on his coat, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
:D
 
waving rabbit..

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
:D
 
Dust to Dust

A young boy ran into the kitchen where his mom was cooking dinner.

All out of breath he asked, "Mom, is it true people are made out of dust?"

"Why, but yes?" answered his mom with a tone of concern.

"Well then, is it true they turn back into dust when they die?" he asked.

The puzzled mom responded, "Yes, that's true too. Why all these questions?"

"Well," the boy replied, "there's somebody under my bed either coming or going!"
 
You better get reorganized

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant,
a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."

"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you
think you need all these transplants."

"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that
I needed to get reorganized."
 
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I
can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're
just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term
so I can tell my wife."
 
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "GWB is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
:D
 
How to truly impress a client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to
Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the
Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,
I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar,
"and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so
kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi,
Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a
drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was
Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
:D
 
family problems...

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems?

Listen to my situation, A few years ago I met young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my step daughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife! and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grand-mother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own grandfather!

And you think you have family problems!"



:confused: :D :confused:
 
Never argue

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked
to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of
fishing and decided
to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the
lake, the wife
decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and
returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside
her and said,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself,
"duh --isn't
it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,"
snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the
equipment."
 
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