Preview of TGIF

Another one.

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
 
another one

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
 
vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''
''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''
 
GOOD, BAD, and sometimes WORSE


Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
 
Tim had three girlfriends, but couldn't decide which one he should marry, so he gave each one $5,000 to see how each of them spent it, and to help him make his decision. The first woman used the money to get a total makeover, telling Tim that she wanted to look pretty for him because she loved him. The second woman went out and bought new golf clubs, a DVD player, a big-screen TV, and a stereo. She gave these things to Tim and told him she bought them for him because she loved him. The third woman took the money and invested it, doubling her investment and returning the original $5,000 to him. She told him she had invested for their future because she loved him. Tim thought for a long time about how each of the women had decided to spend the money, and finally decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
 
Timbuktu

A candidate who appeared for an interview at a company made it to the final round. During his exclusive session with the hiring manager he was told that he was one of the two finalists. The manager added that in order for him to make a final decision, the candidate would need to recite a poem ending with Timbuktu.
So the candidate goes:
My friend Tim and I for a fishing went
There, we met three girls in a tent
They were three while we were two
So I bucked one and let Tim buck two!
 
Re: Timbuktu

WheresMahGreen:

What's ur RD ? I presume it is Sept..right??
BTW, did moving your desk towards the window, facing the South, help at all, as IIO had predicted b4, looking at ur stars??:p
 
One day Wayne complained to a friend, "My elbow
really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.
Quicker, and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample
of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
ten dollars."

Wayne figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a
jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making
some noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of
paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this
new technology was and how it would change medical
science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be
fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.00. The
machine again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
elbow will never get better
 
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship
>
>
> 1. It is important to find a man who works around the house,
>
> occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
>
>
> 2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
>
>
> 3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
>
>
> 4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
>
> have sex with you.
>
>
> 5. It is important that these four men never meet.
 
Roran

Roran...My RD is 13 Dec 01. What's your story? How are you and your hubby holding up to this never-ending suspense?

Originally posted by roran
WheresMahGreen:

What's ur RD ? I presume it is Sept..right??
BTW, did moving your desk towards the window, facing the South, help at all, as IIO had predicted b4, looking at ur stars??:p
Click to expand...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Re: Roran

Originally posted by WheresMahGreen
Roran...My RD is 13 Dec 01. And, moving my desk has left me with more than I can handle at the moment ;) I feel like a kid in ToysRus. A small move of my desk in the right direction for me, a giant leap into an exciting world for them...hehehehe!

What's your story? How are you and your hubby holding up to this never-ending suspense?
Click to expand...

hehehe!!:p Probably you can find a match soon..:) That move made it much easier. The stars never go wrong!!:) Everything happens at the right place at the right time.:)
My hubby is never bothered. He is ready to pack and leave anytime. It is just me who is bothered. After taking so much pain, I just don't want to give up.
 
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs
him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would
be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would
call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his
hand.In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr.Bush and Mrs.Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

:D :D
 
anagram

"An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
--------------------------------------------
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters:
He bugs Gore
--------------------------------------------
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room

--------------------------------------------
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters:
Evil's Agent
-------------------------------------------
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
-------------------------------------------
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
-------------------------------------------
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in 'em
-------------------------------------------
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity
-------------------------------------------
Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
-------------------------------------------
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z's
-------------------------------------------
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot in Place
-------------------------------------------
The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters:
That Queer Shake
-------------------------------------------
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve plus one
-------------------------------------------

And for the grand finale:
============================================

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters
left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS "

:D
 
Call for Ganguly...

Phone rings at Indian team dressing room.. Harbajan Singh picks up the phone

Voice : Can I talk to Ganguly ?

H.Singh : Sorry! Just now he went out to bat aganist Pakistan.

Voice : No problem I will hold...
 
Re: anagram

Aren't you forgetting his famous words: "I did not have sex with that woman!"? He did not copulate; he merely offered her a taste of the presidency :D

Originally posted by roran
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters
left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS "

:D
Click to expand...
 
touching speech..

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
:D
 
changing rules..

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
 
ATM withdrawals..

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Leave

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

:D :D
 
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