Preview of TGIF

V

vigneshbabu

Registered Users (C)
Tech Support: Yes Ma'am ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can
you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do
first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your
Heart ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay
to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past/Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past/Hurt from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of it's own called High Self-Esteem. However, you
have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent
Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness.
Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have
completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You
need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - program
not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry ma'am. It means that the Love program is set up to
run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you
can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will
overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also,
you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty
your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is
playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all
over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One
more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its
various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others
and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: I promise to do just that. By the way, what's your name?

Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as the Great
Physician, or, just "I AM." Most people feel all they need is an annual
checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer suggests a daily
maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency.
 
senti.. eh?

:p

Here is the one:
--------------------
Arjun being disillusioned & Krishna trying to clear that disillusionment...

Krishna: Try to respect the e-mails of your elders, Arjun.

Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders who are logged on honourable domain?

Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes. They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun: Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like resigning from
Software Industry.

Krishna: Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a viscous circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are committed to none. Junk mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep firing junk mails.

Arjun: But Devaki Nandan...........!

Krishna: .....Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the system ?

Krishna: Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with
Hardware. However, it is another aspect that it overloads the system....fills up the hard disk.. but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these junk mails move system to system.

Arjun: How can one define junk mail ?

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it.. neither it can
be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev..Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun: Hey Narayan ! Now all my fandaas on junk mail are crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

...............MAHAAABHAAAAARAT............



Years have passed since then, Generations have come and gone, seasons have cycled, Technology advanced, but Junk mails remain. So , go on, Contribute something to the History by hitting that Forward button yet again
to all.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
fact/joke

"Its all in the hands of Lord Krishna to get anything in life, even Green card!!! so stop cribbing and enjoy whatever we have now maybe we won't have this also later." Is it a fact or a joke?
 
485GCCase:

I think you are getting little too frustrated with this GC process. Get a break. There is nothing we can do, but wait. Nervous breakdown is going to lead you nowhere. Relax.:)
 
Soft Days

It is for good reason that you'll hear a lot of talk about the weather in Ireland. The Irish are used to cloudy skies and regular showers because they know that a puff of breeze will soon clear the sparkling air. A "soft day" is the euphemism for drenching rain, an all too frequent occurrence in the Emerald Isle for those not yet acclimatized to the wonders of the Irish climate.

A newly arrived visitor from the States was interested in learning the projected status of the weather. After all, he had rented a car and hired a guide for the week that he, his wife, and two friends were planning on touring.

"How has the weather been lately?" the Yank inquired.

"Not bad," returned the driver. "It only rained twice last week. Once for three days and once for four days."
:D
 
The Bump

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some postoperative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
 
Please don't hit me after reading this one..

Quiz for Professional Qualification

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are not difficult, so remember that when you consider your answer.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

(Scroll down for the answer, once you've decided.)



The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(Scroll down for the answer, once you've decided.)



Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

(Scroll down for the answer, once you've decided.)



Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.


OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

(Scroll down for the answer, once you've decided.)



Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
 
I'm Fine

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

:D
 
A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

:D
 
I Can't Hear You

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea", says the husband. "Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.
From 10 feet, same thing.
From 5 feet, same thing.

Finally he's standing right behind her. "What's for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the fourth time, beef stew!"

:D
 
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind,
we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and now half the country is looking for work."
 
Originally posted by vinidel1
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind,
we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and now half the country is looking for work."
Click to expand...

Good one:D :D
 
Desi Hell

A desi dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks What do they do here?" He is told "First they put
you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of
nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell
then he comes to the
Indian hell and finds that there is a verylong line of peoplewaiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in
an electric chair for an hour.
Then then lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not
work, someone has stolen all
the nails, and the devil is a Govt. servant,so he comes in, signs in the
register and then goes to the canteen..."
 
Project Managers ....

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! - ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me! - somewhat less than ideal project
manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you! - somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you! - A tough project manager (eats glass,
live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you. - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can! - messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all! - suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way. - thoughtful but ineffective project
manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way. - project manager who has trouble
dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. - project manager from
New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get
killed. - project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? - weak,
uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way. - pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way. - every project manager to date.

If we get in each others' way, who will get killed? - An utterly confused
manager
 
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