It's Friday Again..
- Thread starter roran
- Start date
abhi_01201
Registered Users (C)
I am sure when you said decent jokes - that was not meant for me 
"Proud Marine"
So this marine is out picking up chicks. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background, he forces himself to last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time ... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his "companion du jour." This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"
To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."
"Proud Marine"
So this marine is out picking up chicks. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background, he forces himself to last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time ... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his "companion du jour." This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"
To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."
abhi_01201
Registered Users (C)
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding goats and came across the space crew.
The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said ...... "Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."
The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said ...... "Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry....
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
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"I never failed once. It just happened to be a 2000l-step process." -- Thomas A. Edison
By Dave Barry....
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
==================
"I never failed once. It just happened to be a 2000l-step process." -- Thomas A. Edison
Biggest Lie
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys might be hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys might be hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. (We call that an impact adjustment!)
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. (We call that an impact adjustment!)
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Simple Math Problem
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....
"How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....
"How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
English Explorer
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the lecturer added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast."
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the lecturer added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast."
Cricket...
I was on my bike during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my bike and pats on my shoulder I open the helmet and he asks: "Hey, Did you hear the news? The Indian Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs 100 crore for their release. If they don't pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!". "Oh god!" I said, "This is just unbelievable". "That's why I'm walking from person to person, to collect",said the man. While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: "Well, Car drivers gave about 5 litres, and bikers gave 2 litres petrol!"
I was on my bike during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my bike and pats on my shoulder I open the helmet and he asks: "Hey, Did you hear the news? The Indian Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs 100 crore for their release. If they don't pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!". "Oh god!" I said, "This is just unbelievable". "That's why I'm walking from person to person, to collect",said the man. While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: "Well, Car drivers gave about 5 litres, and bikers gave 2 litres petrol!"