Holiday spirit !! Any jokes ??? Post here..
- Thread starter roran
- Start date
patienceGC
Registered Users (C)
Here is my spirit thanks to the INS
JK
Merry Xmas Y'all
JK
Merry Xmas Y'all
i guess I have to break this silence..
KNOWING YOURSELF
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
WHO YOU TRUST
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
GRATEFUL
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
WASTING YOUR TIME
Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
YOUR SMILE
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
YOU CAN'T...
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
BEAUTIFUL MOON
I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again..
TYPE OF EGGS
There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw = chun dan & if angry = ben dan.
VALUE OF LIFE
The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.
MEN!
Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!
FRIENDSHIP MEANS...
I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha
HEARTBREAKS
Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
KNOWING YOURSELF
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
WHO YOU TRUST
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
GRATEFUL
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
WASTING YOUR TIME
Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
YOUR SMILE
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
YOU CAN'T...
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
BEAUTIFUL MOON
I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again..
TYPE OF EGGS
There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw = chun dan & if angry = ben dan.
VALUE OF LIFE
The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.
MEN!
Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!
FRIENDSHIP MEANS...
I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha
HEARTBREAKS
Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
a good one..
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen," The lady replied.
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist -- you just don't have time to get dressed!"
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen," The lady replied.
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist -- you just don't have time to get dressed!"
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
Re: Remember everyone..
Our Indian Spinner Maninder singh wanted to marry and has only one concern that he wanted a virgin wife. After questioning so many girl he found one and get marry to her. Only after his first night he realized that the girl was not a virgin. So the disappointed Maninder goes to Kapil and complained about it ... Guess what Kapil said.....
"Maninder...... Kabhi spinner to bhi nai (new) gaind (ball) mili hai kya"
Originally posted by roran
You won't have any of your questions answered unless you contribute to this thread !!
Trying to wake up a deep depressed sleeping lot !!
Our Indian Spinner Maninder singh wanted to marry and has only one concern that he wanted a virgin wife. After questioning so many girl he found one and get marry to her. Only after his first night he realized that the girl was not a virgin. So the disappointed Maninder goes to Kapil and complained about it ... Guess what Kapil said.....
"Maninder...... Kabhi spinner to bhi nai (new) gaind (ball) mili hai kya"
Awaiting approval
Registered Users (C)
Hi-Tech Movies
This is a fairly long list which shows that Indian movies are actually high-tech stuff!
Pentium II and Pentium I: Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan
An employee who signs a bond: Bandhan
Ctrl C + Ctrl V: Duplicate
An employee on probation: Paying Guest
Ctrl + Alt + Del: Aakhri Raasta
An employee who frequently changes the company: Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi
An employee who is ready to sign a bond: Dulhan Banu Mai Teri
An employee without signing bond: Kachche Dhage
Sister concern: Judwaa
Boss say to employees when asked for increment: Kuch Kuch Hota Hain
An employee who works sincerely: Dil Se
An employee who is ready to leave his job: Doli Saja Ke Rakhna
A project having two projects leaders: Ek Phool Do Mali
An employee without accommodation: Pardesi Babu
Password: China Gate
Super User Password: Gupt
An employee who sticks to a company for more than Three years: Amar Prem
Bill Gates: Humse Badhkar Kaun
Microsoft Corporation: Ustadon Ke Ustad
Group Leader: Khal Nayak
Backup: Jagte Raho
Dos & Windows: Do Raaste
F1: Guide
Internet: Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein
Operator vs computer: Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
Windows 95: Bade Dilwala
Undelete: Naya Jivan
Project incharge: Mohra
An employee who falls in love during his posting In foreign country: Love in Tokyo
An employee who left the job without informing: Nau Do Gyarah
Mail Merge in MS Word: Sangam
Server: Godfather
Interview: Muqabla
Result of Interview: Kadwa Sach
An employee who fails to get visa: Hero Hindustani
Visa: Border
A system infected by virus: Pyar to Hona Hi Tha
Anti virus Kit: Soldier
System without RAM: Kora Kagaz
Temporary file: Khote Sikkey
A system which frequently requires bootable disk: Sharabi
A computer for the virus: Piya Ka Ghar
Hard disk vs Floppy Disk: Gharwali Baharwali
Boss having less knowledge than employee: Baap Numbary Beta Dus Numbary
This is a fairly long list which shows that Indian movies are actually high-tech stuff!
Pentium II and Pentium I: Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan
An employee who signs a bond: Bandhan
Ctrl C + Ctrl V: Duplicate
An employee on probation: Paying Guest
Ctrl + Alt + Del: Aakhri Raasta
An employee who frequently changes the company: Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi
An employee who is ready to sign a bond: Dulhan Banu Mai Teri
An employee without signing bond: Kachche Dhage
Sister concern: Judwaa
Boss say to employees when asked for increment: Kuch Kuch Hota Hain
An employee who works sincerely: Dil Se
An employee who is ready to leave his job: Doli Saja Ke Rakhna
A project having two projects leaders: Ek Phool Do Mali
An employee without accommodation: Pardesi Babu
Password: China Gate
Super User Password: Gupt
An employee who sticks to a company for more than Three years: Amar Prem
Bill Gates: Humse Badhkar Kaun
Microsoft Corporation: Ustadon Ke Ustad
Group Leader: Khal Nayak
Backup: Jagte Raho
Dos & Windows: Do Raaste
F1: Guide
Internet: Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein
Operator vs computer: Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
Windows 95: Bade Dilwala
Undelete: Naya Jivan
Project incharge: Mohra
An employee who falls in love during his posting In foreign country: Love in Tokyo
An employee who left the job without informing: Nau Do Gyarah
Mail Merge in MS Word: Sangam
Server: Godfather
Interview: Muqabla
Result of Interview: Kadwa Sach
An employee who fails to get visa: Hero Hindustani
Visa: Border
A system infected by virus: Pyar to Hona Hi Tha
Anti virus Kit: Soldier
System without RAM: Kora Kagaz
Temporary file: Khote Sikkey
A system which frequently requires bootable disk: Sharabi
A computer for the virus: Piya Ka Ghar
Hard disk vs Floppy Disk: Gharwali Baharwali
Boss having less knowledge than employee: Baap Numbary Beta Dus Numbary
saini_vivek
Registered Users (C)
Nice Jokes
Nice Jokes Guys.... Vivek
Nice Jokes Guys.... Vivek
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers
up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender
for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he
has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at
this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised,
then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out
the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over
and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his
inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender
for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the
bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently
orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man
that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender
for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he
has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at
this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised,
then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out
the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over
and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his
inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender
for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the
bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently
orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man
that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped
his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the
customer.
"That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything
larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the
refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.
"This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what,"
she said, "I'll take both of them!"
-----
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the
back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the
house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called.
-----
his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the
customer.
"That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything
larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the
refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.
"This one," he said faintly, " will be $6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what,"
she said, "I'll take both of them!"
-----
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the
back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the
house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called.
-----
THE RABBIT, THE FOX AND THE WOLF -- A FABLE
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the
weather.
The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, so a fox sneaked
up to her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!," said the fox.
"Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days"
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing writing my Ph.D. thesis."
"Hah! That's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"
"I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and
Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you up right now! Everybody knows that
a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come
to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced you can
go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing
to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back
out.
A few days latter the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and,
sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.
"Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you cannot eat me right now."
"And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'."
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you are really sick in your head, you might
have something contagious," the wolf opined.
"Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with
my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came
out.
The rabbit finished writing her thesis and was out celebrating in the
lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem
to be very happy."
"Yup, I just finished writing up my dissertation."
"Congratulations! What is it about?"
"It is titled 'The superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes, you should come over and read for yourself."
So they went together to the rabbit's hole.
As they went in, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode,
albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with
the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there
was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in
the middle was a lion.
The moral of the story is: The title of your dissertation doesn't
matter, all that matters is who your thesis advisor is.
-----
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the
weather.
The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, so a fox sneaked
up to her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!," said the fox.
"Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days"
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing writing my Ph.D. thesis."
"Hah! That's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"
"I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and
Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you up right now! Everybody knows that
a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come
to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced you can
go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing
to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back
out.
A few days latter the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and,
sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.
"Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you cannot eat me right now."
"And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'."
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you are really sick in your head, you might
have something contagious," the wolf opined.
"Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with
my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came
out.
The rabbit finished writing her thesis and was out celebrating in the
lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem
to be very happy."
"Yup, I just finished writing up my dissertation."
"Congratulations! What is it about?"
"It is titled 'The superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes, you should come over and read for yourself."
So they went together to the rabbit's hole.
As they went in, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode,
albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with
the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there
was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in
the middle was a lion.
The moral of the story is: The title of your dissertation doesn't
matter, all that matters is who your thesis advisor is.
-----
Educational Jokes
SAT score decay
As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years
The following may be the reason why.
A math problem in the 60's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his
profit?
A math problem in the 70's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is
his profit?
A math problem in the 70's using New Math
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is
worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20
fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
A math problem in the 80's
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: underline the number 20.
A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
SAT score decay
As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years
The following may be the reason why.
A math problem in the 60's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his
profit?
A math problem in the 70's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is
his profit?
A math problem in the 70's using New Math
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is
worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20
fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
A math problem in the 80's
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: underline the number 20.
A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
Difficulty with English
Lets face it:English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indeces?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend; that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which is not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lets face it:English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indeces?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend; that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which is not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the
secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work
done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work
done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
abhi_01201
Registered Users (C)
Roran - let's see if you identify yourself with this one as well
Woman a chemical analysis :
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and
sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other
Woman a chemical analysis :
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and
sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other
Did i identify myself with something before ?? My poor memory.
I cannot find anything as of now, which would attack your below theory..
When I find something I shall reply with a revenge..
I cannot find anything as of now, which would attack your below theory..
When I find something I shall reply with a revenge..
Originally posted by abhi_01201
Roran - let's see if you identify yourself with this one as well
Woman a chemical analysis :
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and
sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other
Here is one more
Ram y years old and Shayam aged 10 years old pissing on a wall .
Ram: Shaym !!!How come your dick is big???
Shayam :I eat lots of Tamarind , thats the reason.
Convince by the answer Ram rushes to his house and asks his mom Rs2/- and his mom asks him why he wants 2 rupees , Ram doesnt answer , His mother inisists and threaten if you dont tel me the reason I will not give .
Ram tell the whole story to his MOM .
Rams mother gives 8 rupees.
Ram :I asked only 2 ruppes mom whys di u give me 8 rupees???
MOM :Ram Get basketfull of Tamarind for the rest of Rupees 6 for your DAD .
Ram y years old and Shayam aged 10 years old pissing on a wall .
Ram: Shaym !!!How come your dick is big???
Shayam :I eat lots of Tamarind , thats the reason.
Convince by the answer Ram rushes to his house and asks his mom Rs2/- and his mom asks him why he wants 2 rupees , Ram doesnt answer , His mother inisists and threaten if you dont tel me the reason I will not give .
Ram tell the whole story to his MOM .
Rams mother gives 8 rupees.
Ram :I asked only 2 ruppes mom whys di u give me 8 rupees???
MOM :Ram Get basketfull of Tamarind for the rest of Rupees 6 for your DAD .
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