Cheer up guys! Its TGIF

K

kmandy

Registered Users (C)
Hey Guys,

Cheer up ! It's Friday and half of the day is over (atleast for the guys on the east coast) and not a single TGIF posted ? What's happening ? Ok, let me start

T-Shirt Sayings

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

That’s It! I’m Calling Nana! (seen on an 8-year old)

Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up

Procrastinate... Now

Rehab... Is for Quitters

My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone

Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (On a baby-size shirt)

Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I’ve been doing

since I was 15

Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Time is fun when you’re having flies...Kermit the Frog

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on.

FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH

HAM AND EGGS - A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by the Chernobyl cleanup
team.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Hum Honge "Approved" Ek Din ! Ho Ho Man Mei Hai Vishwas !'

KMANDY
 
"I hate my job" day

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day try this. On your way home form
> work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
> purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.
>
> Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
> draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
>
> Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open
> the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the
> bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
>
> Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in
> small print there is a statement.
>
> "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
> tested."
>
> Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:"I am so glad I do
> not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
 
Duh!!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should
>not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
>we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
>would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
>contest. [wanna bet on her hair color]?
>
>
>"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
>all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
>like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
>-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive person]
>
>
>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
>of your life,"
>-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
>federal antismoking campaign.
>
>
>
>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
>! --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
>
>
>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
>lowest crime rates in the country,"
>-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to
>read crime stats when you're stoned]
>
>
>"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
>jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
>-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
>
>
>"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great
>country away from them. There were great numbers of
>people who needed new land, and the Indians were
>selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
>-- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000
>years, you'd think they had rights or something]
>
>
>"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
>-- Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark [Danny
>was never really good at the stats part of baseball]
>
>
>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
>
>It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
>-- Al Gore, Vice President
>
>
>"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
>butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
>-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
>
>
>"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
>-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
>
>
>"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
>-- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]
>
>
>"I was provided with additional input that was
>radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
>-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. [Lied. Say it
>slowly,
>Ollie....L-I-E-D]
>
>
>"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
>genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
>-- A sports analyst.
>
>
>"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
>people."
>-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
>
>
>"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
>-- ! Bill Clinton, President
>
>
>"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
>-- Al Gore, VP
>
>
>"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
>-- Keppel Enderbery
>
>
>"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
>-- Dan Quayle
>
>
>"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the
>only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin
>harder in school so I could converse with those people."
>-! - Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
>
>"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
>-- Dan Quayle, VP
>
>
>"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is
>a state that is by itself. It is different from the
>other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but
>it's got a particularly unique situation."
>-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]
>
>
>"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
>
>because we received notice that you passed away. May
>God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
>-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South
>Carolina [right after you call the New York Times]
>
>
>"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in
>which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a
>defective in the police force. We meant, of course,
>that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
>-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
>
>
>"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
>in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor
>their heart throughout the night. And the next
>morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
>-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]
>
>
 
Management Lesson

Lesson Number One.........

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.


Lesson Number Two...............

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy. "Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three..............

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we
carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work
and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart,
the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spokeup.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the
asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a
short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
itched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss,
so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work
while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.


Lesson Number Four.............

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered he bird under the pile of
cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
 
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