What to do - spouse is insane

[Meredith]

Hi, Everyone,

Please help me sort out the mess. My I-485 is still pending. I got married with my husband, a USA, a year ago. He has mental illness, like bipolar disorder. He either is depressed or hyper. When he is depressed, he sleeps all day long, not to mention that the bed is smelly. When he is super "active", he eats like hell and spends things that he doesn't have. So, he withdraw thousands of cash from the credit cards accounts. Not long ago, he asked me for several thousands of dollars for his "adventure". Because I refused, he said that he no longer support my PR application. Although he has not withdrawn the petition, I am scared.

Not like physical illness, I am so ashamed of this and couldn't even talk with anyone about this. It is a torture for me. Any idea? Please help!!!

Meredith

 

[Dani]

Damn, Meredith, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It takes a lot of courage to take care of a mentally ill person. So, don't be embarassed. Does he take any medication at all?
I personally don't think he will do anything with your application, but you never know. Just try to explain to him that you can't give him the money because it's for your guys future, and not for some adventure (although you've probably done that before). BTW, does he have a legal guardian?
I don't really know what to suggest, all I can say don't give up and don't kill yourself over it. May be your best bet is to consult a good doctor who can percribe something that will actually work to improve his behavior.
When did you apply for AOS? What is you DO? Did you already had an interview?
Best of luck to you!

 

[JohnnyCash]

Although he has not withdrawn the petition, I am scared. Please help!!!

I haven't seen NOT EVEN ONE worry/concern coming out from you for your husband's medical condition; rather all you have talked about is- your worries/fear about pending AOS.

Very sad that you are caring/worrying ONLY about your pending application for LPR than his medical status. So much for your vows that you took with him when you married with him.

I assume you must have known about his medical condition when you married with him, then why are you making a big fuss out of it NOW when he informed you that he will no longer sponsor you for LPR? Could it be that you married to him just to get LPR? Even if you did not know about his medical condition prior to marrying with him or he wasn't like this before, yet still why are you still with him then if his behavior is kinda touturing you? Why don't you leave/divorce him than to stop all this torture to you than worrying only about your pending LPR? Nobody is stopping you from divorcing him.

So what if he sleeps for too long or if bed smells where he sleeps on? And, so what if he eats so much? If he has withdrawn thousands of dollars from his credit cards, then it is his choice and problem and not yours. And if he has withdrawn money from your credit cards, then it is your problem because you should have thought hard before giving him an additional card in his name on your accounts. You cannot blame him for your mistakes.

If you still love him, then forget about your pending AOS at least for a while and try to get him some help what he needs (even if you have done so as to your best). But if you have no more love left for him, then leave him and forget about this pending AOS. You cannot expect everything to be in your nest as you wish.

Listen, no fool here. So, don't even try to sugarcoat things up as everything is in black & white here. Yes, people are here to help each others, but not to those who show their "true colors" right on the face.

 

[Meredith]

Damn, Meredith, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It takes a lot of courage to take care of a mentally ill person. So, don't be embarassed. Does he take any medication at all?

Thank you so much for the comforting words. I am still working and be able to pay his medications and couseling visits by my insurance.

I personally don't think he will do anything with your application, but you never know. Just try to explain to him that you can't give him the money because it's for your guys future, and not for some adventure (although you've probably done that before). BTW, does he have a legal guardian?
Best of luck to you!

No, he does not have a legal guardian. So, I couldn't even supervise his medication intake. I ever talked with his doctor once and he threaten me that he would use "privacy" law against both his doctor and me. He said that american law said that it is not my business.

 

[Meredith]

I haven't seen NOT EVEN ONE worry/concern coming out from you for your husband's medical condition; rather all you have talked about is- your worries/fear about pending AOS.

Very sad that you are caring/worrying ONLY about your pending application for LPR than his medical status. So much for your vows that you took with him when you married with him.

I assume you must have known about his medical condition when you married with him, then why are you making a big fuss out of it NOW when he informed you that he will no longer sponsor you for LPR? Could it be that you married to him just to get LPR? Even if you did not know about his medical condition prior to marrying with him or he wasn't like this before, yet still why are you still with him then if his behavior is kinda touturing you? Why don't you leave/divorce him than to stop all this torture to you than worrying only about your pending LPR? Nobody is stopping you from divorcing him.

So what if he sleeps for too long or if bed smells where he sleeps on? And, so what if he eats so much? If he has withdrawn thousands of dollars from his credit cards, then it is his choice and problem and not yours. And if he has withdrawn money from your credit cards, then it is your problem because you should have thought hard before giving him an additional card in his name on your accounts. You cannot blame him for your mistakes.

If you still love him, then forget about your pending AOS at least for a while and try to get him some help what he needs (even if you have done so as to your best). But if you have no more love left for him, then leave him and forget about this pending AOS. You cannot expect everything to be in your nest as you wish.

Listen, no fool here. So, don't even try to sugarcoat things up as everything is in black & white here. Yes, people are here to help each others, but not to those who show their "true colors" right on the face.

Definitely, I have been caring him for more than a year by working to pay bills, providing medical insurance, cooking seven days a week, doing all house cleaning, tried to accompany his doctor's visits, tried to send him to the hospital...etc. When we were married, the vows said that "for better for worse, for sickness and health...". I tried to live with the vows. But he is not getting better and I am depleted. I can only say that I wish I could be stronger.

I agree with you that there is no fool here. Any immigrants who traveled from overseas to this land require extraordinary strength. Maybe, it sounded so evil , self-fish,... what ever words you are putting there. Please forgive me for thinking for myself only now. But, is there anyone from this forum who would just turn around and pretend nothing has happended? Besides, I deserve a chance to obtain PR.

 

[Meredith]

Meredith, don't even waste your time reading that nonsense (well, you already did since you responded.) You'll get much better advice than that around here (not from me though - I don't know that much...)

Deeply appreciate, IM85U. I was depleted to the extreme that I forgot that I was walking downstairs twice... Each time, following his psychotic episode, my brain became empty. I have to comb through things and think for myself now.

 

[problem2006]

people,this is his attitude....yet when query11 tried to talk to him in a civilized way he got query banned.
and then guess what,he blackmails people saying that he has good contacts in uscis and he will make sure our applications dont get approved.
So i thought of doing some public service and i took out a copy of his threats to a fellow member and mailed it to ice/cia/fbi/uscis.

now lot of ppl will be like it will not matter.But guess what our johhny cash is a brown skin,he is one among us desi babu's.
so i am assuming some redneck will follow up the case as i have mentioned in bold letters that a immigrant has threatened others.

 

[problem2006]

meredith,
dont worry he will not withdraw his application....there is a saying in india...

dogs which bark dont bite and dogs which bite dont bark...
ppl who threaten cant do anything but threaten....if u have really been supportive to him he will never withdraw your application.

 

[Suzy977]

Definitely, I have been caring him for more than a year by working to pay bills, providing medical insurance, cooking seven days a week, doing all house cleaning, tried to accompany his doctor's visits, tried to send him to the hospital...etc. When we were married, the vows said that "for better for worse, for sickness and health...". I tried to live with the vows. But he is not getting better and I am depleted. I can only say that I wish I could be stronger.

I agree with you that there is no fool here. Any immigrants who traveled from overseas to this land require extraordinary strength. Maybe, it sounded so evil , self-fish,... what ever words you are putting there. Please forgive me for thinking for myself only now. But, is there anyone from this forum who would just turn around and pretend nothing has happened? Besides, I deserve a chance to obtain PR.

Be strong and don't give up on this forum, and:

Read my signature...that applies to everyone in this forum, not only to myself

 

[Dani]

Thank you so much for the comforting words. I am still working and be able to pay his medications and couseling visits by my insurance.

No, he does not have a legal guardian. So, I couldn't even supervise his medication intake. I ever talked with his doctor once and he threaten me that he would use "privacy" law against both his doctor and me. He said that american law said that it is not my business.

Meredith, I think you have no other choise but to wait. I agree with you, you deserve a greencard. I don't know much about your marriage, but no matter what, you took care of this man for a year, and that's something. It is sad that your spouse doesn't want any help, but what can one do... May be if you became his guardian that would help. Next time you talk to the doctor, do not let your husband know that you did.
Damn, i wish I knew more about the subject, but unfortunately I don't... Anyways, do not loose hope!

 

[problem2006]

Hi, Everyone,

Please help me sort out the mess. My I-485 is still pending. I got married with my husband, a USA, a year ago. He has mental illness, like bipolar disorder. He either is depressed or hyper. When he is depressed, he sleeps all day long, not to mention that the bed is smelly. When he is super "active", he eats like hell and spends things that he doesn't have. So, he withdraw thousands of cash from the credit cards accounts. Not long ago, he asked me for several thousands of dollars for his "adventure". Because I refused, he said that he no longer support my PR application. Although he has not withdrawn the petition, I am scared.

Not like physical illness, I am so ashamed of this and couldn't even talk with anyone about this. It is a torture for me. Any idea? Please help!!!

Meredith

are you guys filing for taxes togethor and also do u have kids....
make sure you get all the things required like utility bills togethor,so tht way he cannot deny anything in a later stage....as long as u have all the facts straight,you should not have a problem.

 

[Meredith]

Hello, Suzy977, Dani, and problem2006: Thank you so much. I am still trying to find a way out of this horror. After such a long struggle, I have to give up on him. The stress has also taken a heavy toll on me physically.

I do suffered severely because of him. Any insight? Anyone out there who have/had similiar situation?

 

[NewUSPR]

Hello, Suzy977, Dani, and problem2006: Thank you so much. I am still trying to recover and find a way out of this horror. Yes, I have all the necessary evidence such as rental agreement, utility bills, shared credit card, medical insurance, and joint tax returns. We don't have any children. I have a child of my own. After such a long struggle, I have to give up on him.

I was on the edge of clapse - sometimes following his spychotic outburst for a couple of hours, I simply forgot that I was walking the stairway [my brain was kind of not functioning.] The stress has also taken a heavy toll on me physically. At the sametime, I am worried what he can do to crash me financially if someday I am liable for his tens and thousands of dollars credit cards debt. All my savings are already spent on bills during the marriage. My current job is just enough to cover bills at home.

Although my husband didn't physically beat me up and there is no 911 calls, I do suffered severely because of him. I searched several website including INS official one. Does any of you know what is mental cruelty? I am thinking about an I-360 case.

Hello there, I don't know much about your case but there is something called VERBAL ABUSE, try to do some research on that to see if it fits you. Good luck and keep on fighting you deserve your PR

 

[Suzy977]

Meredith, a piece of advice.

Do not discus your private details about your life with anyone who requests such info via Private Message of email. (Don't even mention the city you live in)

There are some people who do that just to take advantage of your vulnerability and eventually to hurt you.

It's OK to ask any question you want here in the open public forum, but no specific info about yourself, especially through email, PM, or exchange or phone numbers.

And keep posting your concerns here, eventually someone will come up with a good advice.

 

[Meredith]

Thank you for watching out for me. I am newbie here. Hope to know how other people are dealing with this kind of situation. I still don't have clue how to take the next step.

 

[akatu]

Thank you for watching out for me. I am newbie here. Hope to know how other people are dealing with this kind of situation. I still don't have clue how to take the next step.

Meredith,
That's how i see you situation.
You husband is legaly competent, so you have no rights to control his medications intake or doctor visits. Only court can decide on his competency and upoint a legal gardian.
If he hurts you, you may seek protection and AOS under battered spouses law. You might be willing call police any time he abuses you even just to create a record.
People who blame you for putting yourself voluntary to a position of knowingly being married to insain man are wrong because they do not understand that person like your hubby may a)be manipulative, b) have "bright periods".

I see you position bz I have a friend who stuck in similar situation.

In my view you have two options 1.Get out of relationship and creat a record of abuse.
2. Seek help of medical professional for him trying to talk him in to this pathway.
3. In any case it would be good to talk to lawyer who is experienced both in immigration and administrative law.

 

[Xkuger]

Lack of Adequate protection..

Sometimes it is very painful to see the lack of adequate protection under the law for people who under go such hardship. I do know of some case where a spouse has threatened withdrawal of GC application.

However the wife went out and got a H1 by herself and left him for good. She also sought the help of some of the Indian forums for battered women that helped her out.

I don't know your country of origin, but can you search to see if there are any support groups out there can can help you with your specfic situation. I say this because you need help with a social sitution first before a immigration situation. I don't think you can find meaningful help on your social situation in this forum.

best of luck.

 

[JohnnyCash]

Problem2006 alias query11

Since I know very well that you are lurking on this site being addictive to it (as you’ve admitted it many times on this site), I am going to answer to you on some of your accusations and lies. Making lies and offensive statements, provoking fights, trying to get attention from other people by talking solo with them to start a fight is the only thing you are seemed to be good at it anyway.

I am 100 zillion % sure that you will be back in no time in another ID despite of being already banned twice by using two different IDs so far. Rest assured that I’ll make sure you get banned each time, no matter how many ID you will create, unless you learn to behave. And, don’t even think that you got banned because of me; rather you actually got banned because of your own actions-spreading lies, making frivolous accusations and provoking fights. I don’t ban people; rather I take them in courts for their actions (criminal and civil) even if they would try to hide behind the shadow.


“people,this is his attitude”

Truth bites, isn’t it?

Why don’t you mind your business and let me mind mine? What I do, and what and how I talk with others, its not your business. If you would come in my way or say something offensive to me FIRST, then don’t expect me not to crush you (including full extent of the laws) unless I’ll be away from the site for not knowing what you have written about me.

I didn’t INITIATE anything with you nor I have said anything about you FIRST; rather you are the one who have said things about me out of blue even though I don’t even know you (nor I want to know you). I don’t care what you do with other people or what you think about me (like me having attitude, brown skin, immigrant, threatening others, etc), just don’t come in my way. If you don’t like my way of talking (which you call-attitude) then ignore it. Nobody is stopping you to ignore my postings especially when those postings are not made for you. Seems like you like it very much; otherwise you had not spent your time in commenting on it (bad or good). Are you jealous of me? If not, mind your business, and let me mind mine.


“he blackmails people saying that he has good contacts in uscis and he will make sure our applications dont get approved”

Blackmail? You do need to go to school to learn the meaning of Blackmail as it seems you haven’t been to school yet; otherwise you would have known the meaning of blackmailing.

Me saying contacts in USCIS? Contacts? What I have said is that my family works for USCIS and other govt. agencies, thus I don’t see anything wrong in telling the truth. Are you scared of the truth, or are you scared of people telling the truth to you?

Again, if you have ever been breast fed by your mother (which I doubt it seriously) then show me just one posting of mine wherein I’ve said that I will make sure people’s immigration applications don’t get approved. What I’ve said is- if an immigration officer would make a wrong decision (not according to laws), then officer’s decision could be reversed upon finding. FYI, anyone can report (as a matter of duty and obligation) to USCIS (or to any govt. agency) if s/he learns about a wrongdoing. I guess then me telling that wrong decision could be reversed UPON finding seems to you a “threat” as you call it a “threat”.



“ i thought of doing some public service and i took out a copy of his threats to a fellow member and mailed it to ice/cia/fbi/uscis”

Glad you did so. As if I care, right? I would anxiously wait to hear from them so that I could pursue a civil suit against you once they would decide to prosecute you for making a false report to govt. and wasting their sources and time even if you believe something else as per your IQ. FYI, making a false report is a felony.



“johhny cash is a brown skin,he is one among us desi babu's”

What difference does it make if I’m a black, brown, white, yellow, redneck or whatever? What is the relevancy of my presence on this site to my skin’s color? Playing race and color game again?



“when query11 tried to talk to him in a civilized way he got query banned”

Query11 talked with me in a “civilized way”? Oh okay, I’ve got it-you are talking about your kinda “civilized way”. Good going.

Plus, no doubt you can’t read things well; otherwise you would have seen me telling clearly to query11 that I am not interested to talk with him, whether in a civilized way or uncivilized. So, he shouldn’t have talked with me even if his way was “civilized way”.

I got him banned? FYI, if I have that authority, I would have banned every person who has been involved in violating the terms of this site so far, whether or not they have had any beef with me. Just you to know that I am not a moderator nor an administrator of this site.

As per my information, only administrator of this site has an authority to ban a member. Moderators could only suggest to administrator to ban someone, but they cannot ban someone without being having first okay from administrator.

I’m informed by this site other day that one of the moderators (I assume-Rahul) requested to administrator to ban query11 in the past but administrator chose to give query11 only a warning at that time to give him a second chance. No wonder why Rahul warned query11 thru PM in the past to behave civily otherwise he would get banned, which query11 took as a “threat” and went on a rampage against Rahul in challenging him on a citizenship forum by saying that he was/is a client of owner of this site (Rajiv Khanna) and that Rahul could do nothing to him.

I could have somewhat stopped query11's banning if I had opened his PM to me earlier. After making his “civilized” postings against me other day, he sent me a PM to apologize to me but I did not open it up until he got banned; otherwise I believe I could have stopped his banning. However, I am glad that I didn’t open his PM until he got banned as banning him was a right decision given the fact that he returned back in another ID in no time and got involved in his as usual behaviors.

Let me quote the text of his private message that query11 sent to me a night before he got banned.

25th June 2006, 11:26 PM
query11
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 792


johhny cash, alrite buddy,i did get a chance to see your might...i did delete all my messages against u and i am going to make sure i do not get back to immigration.com....my fault....sometimes it is better people remain mute spectators...

my aplogies....

query



I didn’t want to talk about this pm, but got compelled to after seeing his latest trick.

Let me break down his statements from his PM-


“i did delete all my messages against u”

His offensive postings were deleted by moderator, and not by him as he claims.


“i am going to make sure i do not get back to immigration.com”

Yeah right. It did not take you long to get right back to business (obviously in another ID that you have for a while) in doing the same what you are known for it.

Hey, see what I’ve got on you. An admittance of the fact. See, who has admitted in the past to be the same person (meaning query11 and problem2006). See this link for that-

http://immigrationportal.com/showthread.php?p=1439914#post1439914


This is what has said by member-Problem2006 under this link-

31st May 2006, 11:39 AM
problem2006 Registered User


yup,
point to be noted...

thanks in advance
p2k6 a.k.a query11



“my aplogies...”

Yeah right. A leopard doesn't change it's spots

 

[JohnnyCash]

Meredith,

The people who have come to know me over the years, either on this site or other immigration sites; they know that I give my opinions based upon how I see things and what I know than what others expect to hear out from me. So obviously, I can care less to other people’s opinions if they think that I think I’m superior in my opinion, mean to others and anything else. I just cannot tell to people what they want to hear out because it would then be their opinions and not mine.

I might sound different to some people, but I don’t mean to offend anyone nor I am a person of attitude. People have right to disagree with my opinions, which is perfectly okay as difference in the opinion is the beauty of what we have in this country. But one cannot say that I’m a mean person or I’ve an attitude or anything like that just because I’ve given my OWN opinion. They are free to ignore my opinions if they like as I do to their opinions.

Plus, if someone would post anything here, then they should be ready to hear out all kinds of opinions, whether they like it or not. If not, then don’t post anything here; rather do it privately or whatever else. This is a public board wherein people are free to express their opinions as they like so long they are not violating the terms of this site.

Because of my moral/family advise to you earlier, somebody has commented that this is an immigration site and not for other matters, which is true. However, people have been talking about almost every issue here ever since. Some people are involved in “buddies” chats, while others are involved in talking what is happening in Politics. Some have talked about Medical insurance while others have talked about race (especially about Mexican, Indian, German). I mean, I can go on and on to prove with evidences about all those discussions which have been made on this site. Again, there is nothing wrong in discussing a matter which involves immigrants (doesn’t have to be only immigration matters) but discussion should not violate the terms of this site.

Further, it is my style to provide my opinion by considering ALL the surrounded factors/circumstances of a given situation, whether it is an immigration matter, family matter, marriage matter or anything else than sticking to only immigration part of it. I cannot change my style for anyone else, especially when I know that there is nothing wrong in my style. If someone has a problem with my style, then they should learn to ignore my posting in its entirety.

It proves that some people haven’t been able to read my posting to you before making their comments on my opinion to you; otherwise they would have noticed me giving you immigration advise as well when I said that if you really love your husband and want your marriage to work out, then forget about your AOS at least for a while and try to find a help for your husband’s medical condition. I also said that if you have no more love left for him or if you can’t deal all what is happening in the marriage, then leave him. Staying with him will give you a green card, while leaving him, you won’t be able to get a green card thru him or based upon this marriage.

You say that you deserve a green card, then tell me how? Just because you are married to a US citizen? Or just because you have been living here for a long time illegally? Or just because you are paying all the household bills? I mean, tell me WHY do you think you deserve a green card?

If your husband is no more interested in sponsoring you, then there is nothing you could do. Merely marrying with a US citizen doesn’t give an automatic right to have a green card; rather US citizen has to sponsor you and USCIS must have to find your marriage a bonafide one with evidences. Sponsoring means approval of I-130 here, and not just filing it.

Remember, your AOS is based upon marriage? That means, US citizen controls the petition I-130. So, if he doesn’t want to sponsor you anymore, then there is nothing you or anyone could do except filing I-360. But there is NOT even one evidence/thing you have mentioned which shows that you might be eligible for I-360.

He eats so much. He sleeps so much. His bed smells like stinky. He maxed out on his credit cards. Your worry that you might end up paying his bills (which is scaring you most to be staying in the marriage with him, it seems to me). Anyway, all this is NOT an ABUSE. It might raise to a disturbing, but not to an abuse. I know you are looking a creative way to come up something for I-360 because it seems that you have been already told by someone somewhere that I-360 is your ONLY option if your husband will back out before I-130 is approved. But I honestly don’t think you have a case for I-1360 (self petition based upon abuses). FYI, I started my career by working for a State Sponsored Immigration Advocacy Agency wherein I was specialized only in VAWA cases (Domestic violence ones). I know all the nitty and gritty of this law. I can even tell the names of the officers who are handling this kinds of cases.


“After such a long struggle, I have to give up on him”

If you have already decided to give up on him, then you can not expect to have a green card based upon a marriage to him especially when I-130 is not approved yet and there is no any sign of abuses either (not even mental one). What you are going thru is-the downfalls that every relationship goes thru (marriage or others). The standard of being abused is something more and different than what you have described here.

If you say that you deserve a green card based upon your long standing illegal stay here, then you have to wait until Congress come up with something for illegal people. In my personal opinion, America should not reward to lawbreakers who deliberately broke our immigration laws at first place, regardless of whatever justification these lawbreakers would have.

Other people might have ignored your true motive here which has made them not to notice that you did not talk anything about seeking the medical help for your husband; rather all you have talked about is-how you could get green card, but obviously when you have learned that he is no longer interested in sponsoring you. I don’t think one has to be a rocket scientist to know what you are up to. I mean, what people have failed to notice is-everything that you have said about your husband was okay to you so long he was willing to pursue on sponsoring you, but once he has decided not to sponsor you anymore, you came on this board talking about what he does. If you had talked about being abused, then it could have been different case; rather you talked about what he does (like sleeping long, eating much, maxing out the credit cards and etc).

How strange is that you have been tolerating all the “abuses” (as you have said about being “severely abused”) but then you are still staying in the marriage. But once he told you that he doesn’t want to sponsor you, you came here on talking about being “severely abused” and about paying all household bills and other things about him. I bet you had not talked about all this if he had decided to continue pursuing with your quest for a green card. You won’t be here, right? Am I wrong? Anyway, the answer to your question is in my posting if you can able to figure it out.

I know truth bites.

 

[Meredith]

Hello, please let me to express my gratitude towards all of the kind suggestions/advice/comments. I did not give up until I was down . I do not need to glorify myself how did I take care of my husband - it is irrelevant in this forum. So, it is time for me to take care of myself. If it sounds too selfish, I apologize once again. It's like a pile of debris after war. I need a helping hand to assist me to pick up all the pieces [a figure of speech] by advising me and get on my life. If I am not making effort to secure the green card, I would NOT be in my right mind [matter of fact, I don't think anyone would be in his/her right mind].

The abuse between couples has, traditionally, always been physical. Although I am not beaten up blue and black on my skin, the mental depletion is beyond words. Verbal abuse is part of "high" and "low" stage episodes. The purpose of my posting is not putting anyone including myself on defendent stand to be judged [although you are free to say and do so]. Rather, a collective opinion based on fellow/peers on this forum who has/had/has come across similiar situation.

I was never been ILLEGAL in U.S. Can't you tell from my English, JohnnyCash? I don't have resentment towards undocumented aliens either.