Conference Call From Hell - Last for today
Anyone who's worked for a large corporation for any length of time may have had the misfortune to participate in a conference call.
In theory, conference calls seem like a good idea, especially when you have a group of employees scattered around the country. Getting everyone in a group meeting on the phone sounds like a simple and reasonable idea. Plus most managers are suckers for using cool things like phone conferences. It makes them feel important, adds to the illusion that they actually know what's going on, and lets them use their speaker phones so that everyone in neighboring offices know that they are actually doing something besides padding their expense reports. Like most good theories, once it's actually put into practice, everything quickly goes to hell, but management mentality being what it is, a supervisor will hold onto a conference call like grim death rather than admit defeat and let his group hang up.
The following is a good example of a typical conference call. Usually you dial in, then are stuck listening to some cheesy music that is guaranteed to make you want to try and flush your phone down the nearest toilet. The manager is almost always late logging on to the call. This lets them assert their power by making you wait and extends the torture of listening to the music by ten or fifteen minutes. Finally, the call begins:
(Several beeps are heard)
Manager: Sorry I'm late. Let's get started by taking roll. John?
Debra: I talked to John earlier. He said he might be late.
Manager: Who is this?
Debra: Debra.
Manager: OK. John's not on, Debra is. Bob, are you here?
Bob: I'm here. Listen, we really need to talk about the vendor supply problems...
Manager: Hang on until we get started, Bob. Sue?.....Sue?
Mary: Sue is out on maternity leave, remember?
Manager: Oh, that's right. Phil?
(A loud rushing sound is heard.)
Manager: What is that?
Phil: I'm here.
Manager: What is that noise?
Debra: I couldn't hear you.
Phil: I said, I'm here.
Manager: WHAT??
Phil: I"M HERE!!
Bob: Are you talking about the vendor supply problem?
Manager: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT IS THAT NOISE???
Phil: Oh, that might be me. I'm on my cell phone in the car and have my window down.
Manager: Roll it up please.
Phil: What?
Manager: ROLL UP THE WINDOW.
(The noise subsides.)
Phil: OK, it's up.
Manager: Thank you. Now I guess everyone's here but John.
John: I'm here.
Manager: When did you get on?
John: When you couldn't hear because Phil had his window down.
Manager: OK. Now that everyone is here....
Debra: What about Karen?
Manager: Who's Karen?
Debra: She's the temp filling in for Sue while she's on leave.
Manager: Doesn't she know about the call?
Debra: I guess not.
Manager: Get on your other line and call here, will you? We'll wait a few minutes because this is a really important meeting, and I want everyone to be here.
(Several minutes of silence.)
Bob: Can we talk about the vendor supplies?
Manager: We'll deal with that in a minute.
Bob: But we really need to....
Debra: I'm back. Karen will be on in a minute.
Manager: Didn't she know?
Debra: Know what?
Manager: About the call.
Debra: She said no one told her.
Manager: Who was supposed to tell her?
Phil: I think you were.
Manager: Oh....ah.... well let's get going...
Karen: I'm here. Sorry I'm late but no one told me about the call.
Manager: Let's forget about that. It isn't important. Now that everyone is here, I want to talk about the report.
Phil: Which report?
Bob: The vendor supply report?
Manager: No, the customer pricing report.
Phil: I don't have that because I'm in my car.
Manager: You didn't bring it with you?
Phil: I didn't know we need it. Plus it's dangerous to read while driving.
Manager: Ah... OK. Just listen in and look at the report when you get back to the office.
John: I don't have the report.
Manager: I emailed it to everyone.
John: I just checked my email, and I don't have it.
Manager. Well, I'll just email it to you again. Does anyone else not have the report?
Phil: I don't.
Manager: I know that Phil. John, I'm sending it to you now. Let me know when you get it.
(Several minutes pass.)
Manager: Is it there yet?
John: No.
Bob: Can we go over the vendor supply report while we're waiting?
John: I don't have that one either.
Phil: Me too.
Manager: Well, let's go on. John, let me know when you get it. Now, about the pricing....
Unknown Voice: THOSE RAT BASTARDS!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE EVERYONE OF THOSE SONS OF BITCHES FIRED!!!
Manager: Who was that?
Debra: That was someone in my office.
Manager: He talks like that in the office?
Debra: All the time.
Manager: Who is he? I'm going to have him fired.
Debra: One of the vice presidents.
Manager: Vice president? Ah.....Well, I'm sure he had good reason to be upset. Now about the pricing....
Phil: What's that noise?
John: What noise?
Phil: That clicking noise.
John: It's probably me. I'm typing.
Phil: Well, it's distracting.
John: It's not as bad as that wind tunnel we had to listen to when you had your window down.
Manager: John, Phil is right. It's distracting. Please stop.
John: But you asked me to do it.
Manager: I did?
John: Yes. You asked me to keep the minutes of the meeting.
Manager: Oh, that's right. Look. We're hearing too much noise from everybody. All of you put your phones on mute. That way, you'll only hear me.
Bob: But then I can't ask about the vendor supply problem.
Manager: If anyone has a question, you can pick up your hand set. OK. Now is everyone on mute?
(Silence.)
Manager: Are you still there?
Debra: We couldn't answer. We were on mute.
John: That's right.
Phil: I can still here that typing.
John: That's because I turned off the mute when he was asking if we were still here.
Manager: EVERYONE TURN ON THEIR MUTE BUTTONS RIGHT NOW!!
(Silence)
Manager: Now I'm going to assume that you can all still here me. Nobody take your phone off mute to tell me that you can. I'm just going to assume you are all listening. Now about the pricing.....
John: It's here.
Manager: What's there?
John: The email about the pricing report.
Manager: Good. Open it up and go back on mute.
Bob: Did you get the one about the vendor supply yet?
John: Not yet.
Bob: You need to get that one because I'm going to want to talk about it.
Manager: Bob, forget about the goddamn vendor supply report and go back on mute. You too, John. Now, about the pricing........
Phil: Uh....Boss?
Manager: WHAT??? WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE????
Phil: Well, I was so busy listening to the call that I blew through a red light and hit another car.
Manager: You had an accident? Are you OK?
Phil: Yes, thank you.
Manager: Good. Then you can stay on the call.
Phil: Well, I plowed the other car pretty good. I should probably hang up and call an ambulance for the other driver.
Manager: I'm sure someone has already called them.
Phil: But don't you think I should....
Manager: Phil, stay on this call. We should have a few minutes before the police get there, and I want to get through this. Now about the pricing....
Bob: Can we talk about the vendor supply while Phil is waiting for the cops?
Manager: Shut the fuck up, Bob. The pricing is.....
Phil: Uh, boss. I really need to hang up.
Manager: Why?
Phil: The other car's on fire and the driver is unconscious so I should probably put the phone down and pull them out.
Manager: Phil, if you hang up this phone, you're fired. You want to save somebody, go ahead, but keep that phone in your hand.
Phil: OK.
Manager: As I was saying, the pricing is going to be...
(A loud crackingly noise is heard.)
Debra: What's that noise?
Phil: It's me. I'm trying to pull the other driver out of the car.
Manager: Put your phone on mute. The sound of the flames is very distracting.
Phil: I really can't. I'm using both hands to try and pull this guy out so I've just got the phone tucked between my head and collarbone. Man, does this hurt your neck!
Manager: Fine. Just put that thing on mute as soon as you can. Where was I?
Bob: The vendor supply report.
Manager: You're a goddamn liar, Bob, and if you mention that vendor supply thing again I'm going to staple your dick to your desk. The pricing will be....
Phil: OH MY GOD I"M ON FIRE!!!!
Karen: Stop, drop, and roll, Phil!
Phil: JESUS IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!!
Manager: Phil, please put your phone on mute. You're distracting the rest of us.
Phil: MY HAIR!! MY HAIR!!!!
Bob: Can we talk about vendor supply while we're waiting for Phil to quit burning?
Phil: OH SHIT!!!! THE GAS TANK!!!!!
(A loud explosion is heard.)
Manager: Phil, you still there?
(Silence.)
Manager: Well, damn. I'm going to have to cut this short. I've got to check the company insurance and post Phil's position. I'll just email everyone this pricing information. And don't forget, same time next week everybody.
