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Police Quotes

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

PS: Sorry, roran. I started it before you could.
 
Either you or me has to start, right??

That's alright. I forgot completely that today was Thursday as today was my first day of the week at work.:)
 
Indain Ciricket... on a lighter note (its just a joke)

Q: What is the height of optimism?
A: Ganguly coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A: The entire Indian innings.

Q: How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
A: Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

Q: What would Mark Waugh be if he were an Indian batsman?
B: In form.

Q: How should John Wright reshuffle the Indian batting order?
A: Move Extras up the order

Q: Why are the Indian players demanding increased payments for test matches?
A: Someone told them that some test matches can go into the fourth day.

Q: What would Glen McGrath be if! we was an Indian?
A: A genuine all rounder

Q: What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
A: 3 runs in 3 balls

Q: When would Ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
A: When he is bowling

Q: Who has the easiest job in the Indian team?
A: The guy who removes red ball marks from the bat

Q: When will India declare the next national holiday?
A: If India beats Namibia in the World Cup

Q: What skill is required to officiate in matches figuring India?
A: The umpire should be able to raise his hands 10 times in 5 minutes.

Q: What is to be done to ensure that one-day matches figuring India lasts at least one full session?
A: The opponent team should bat first

Q: How is the Indian scorecard written?
A: In the ascending order (opening batsman lowest, extras highest)

Q: What would have happened if there was an 8th ODI?
A: Tendulkar would have scored one more run and crossed his highest score in the series.

Q: When do you feel that listening to Sidhus commentary less painful?
A: When watching Indias batting
 
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All is in the name!

All is in the name!

1. IACOCCA (the former Chrysler President/CEO) stands for :

I

Am

Chairman

Of

Chrysler

Corporation

America

coincidence?.......... try these!



2. Bush (the American President)

Beat

Up

Saddam

Hussein !



3. Clinton (remember him?)

Call

Lewinsky,

I

Need

The

Oral

Now !


4. Osama (WHO doesn't know him)

Oh

Shit,

American

Missiles

Again!
 
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!""
 
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. "
 
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

" About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.

When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man.

After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife.....""
:)
 
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, whereare you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sortthis out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controllerin her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
:D
 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this ! save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:" Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


:D
 
dark in here...

A woman takes a lover home while her husband is out
fishing. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit
in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again".
 
Re: roran,

Originally posted by thalai
i really enjoyed your jokes!
what happened to your GC?
Click to expand...

thalai: I was so happy about your approval that I forgot about my GC. I guess I can wait for one more year , now that you already have been approved.:p

Awaiting approval: I can wait for one more year without letting my frustrations out.
 
the spoon and the fly...

Last week, I took a friend out to a new_restaurant, and I noticed_that_the waiter who took our order carried a_spoon in his shirt pocket._It_semed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy_brought our water and utensils, I noticed he_also had a spoon in_his_shirt pocket. Then I looked around the room_and saw that all the_staff_had spoons in their pockets._

When the waiter came back to serve our soup_I asked, "Why the_spoon?"_

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's_owners hired Andersen_Consulting,_experts in efficiency, in order to revamp_all our processes. After_several months of statistical analysis, they_concluded that the_spoon_was_the most frequently dropped utensil. This_represents a drop_frequency of approximately 3 spoons per_table per hour. If our_personnel_is prepared to deal with that contingency,_we can reduce the number_of_trips back to the kitchen and save 15_man-hours per shift."_

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and_he was able to replace_it_with his spare spoon._"I'll get another spoon next time I go to_the kitchen instead of_making_an extra trip to get it right now."_

I was rather impressed._I then noticed that there was a very thin_string hanging out of the_waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that_all of the waiters had_the_same string hanging from their flies My_curiosity got the better of_me_and before he walked off, I asked the_waiter, "Excuse me, but can_you_tell me why you have that string right_there?"_

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his_voice. "Not everyone is_as_observant as you. That consulting firm _mentioned also found out_that_we can save time in the restroom."

"How so , I asked?"_

"See," he continued, "by tying this string_to the tip of you know_what,_we can pull it out over the urinal without_touching it and that way_eliminate the need to wash the hands,_shortening the time spent in_the_restroom by 76.39 percent."_

"Amazing, but after you get it out, how do you put it_back?"_

Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't_know_about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
lawyers....

Drowning Lawyer
-----------------
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water


Don't Mess with the Judge
--------------------------
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the
other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the
man went before the judge. The judge asked the man,
Where do you work?
The man said, Here and there.
The judge asked the man, What do you do for a living?
The man said, This and that.
The judge then said, Take him away.
The man said, Wait, judge when will I get out?
The judge said to the man, Sooner or later.


Degrees of the Law
-------------------
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A judge.


Defense Lawyer's Good News
---------------------------
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."


C'mere Pig
-----------
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do!


Buried Lawyers
---------------
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand


Burried 10 Feet Under
----------------------
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!
 
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