Need advice, husband wants to move back to US

[Chaninbldg.]

Hello everyone!

Just recently my husband decided he wants to move back to the US, after we left everything for a life in Germany.
I am a German Citizen, but came to the US in 2007, receiving my green card shortly after arrival. After divorcing my former Sponsor, my Ex-husband, I was planning to return to Germany soon after. It was difficult, because when I told him i want a divorce, he put me out on the street and tried to black mail me into staying with mental abuse, canceling my health insurance (I was very ill at the time and needed surgery), money...or the lack thereof. he also used my credit card to create a bunch of debt, and kept everything to himself, my furniture, my belongings...this man ruined me. I was unable to afford a lawyer and was left with nothing.
When the time finally came and the divorce was processed, I had already met my current husband, and decided to live with him in California for a little while, so his family could get to know me. That was his request. So I moved from NY to CA.

We were honestly struggling to make a living in California. I was let go by my employer, because I was pregnant, and my husband, who only has a HS Diploma, was struggling to find a good job. It was horrible.
That is when I suggested that we should move to Germany after the birth of our child. We had talked about it before, and he always told me he was interested in traveling Europe and living abroad, so I felt it was a good idea to move there, get back on our feet with the social services Germany provides (Healthcare, Apartment, Cash Aid, Furniture, Food...well you basically get everything paid for).
So that is what we did. We called it extended travel for about 3 months, until my husband was sure he wanted to stay. he was very positive about it and stated how much he liked it here.

All the benefits we received here, really did help us, we paid part of the debt off, he is going to school and will be helped with Job search after school. I am a stay at home mom, working on growing a home business. Things are really looking up for us, and I assumed that in a little time, we can be on our own.

BUT, what happened now - from one day to another, my husband has plans of moving to the US. To Washington State. We have no family there....he just "likes it from pictures"...I am still in shock to be honest.
I had the feeling his family, caused some of the mind change. Of course he misses them (although he had problems with them too), and they do somewhat put pressure on him by saying he "has to come back"...it always sounds a bit demanding.
This is so different from my family. They never put pressure on me for anything, and when I was in the US, they did not complain one bit. His family however, only thinks of themselves, they want him near for themselves, and although he very much disliked San Diego, they want him to move back there. We never said we will be in Europe forever, but after I spent 5 years in the US, I was hoping we could spend a little more than 8 months with my family. They however, were against even staying for 3 months. LONG STORY SHORT, I think that influenced his decision, and that he feels guilty.

I was on good terms with his family. But since leaving their behavior has scared me a bit. Once his mother stated in anger, that she will get on a plane and take him and the baby back to the US. They have been negative towards me since we left. I don't know why, their son is finally thriving. Before he met me, he locked himself in a room in his parents house all day. Now he is successful in school and striving to be something...everything changed for the better.

Anyhow, I went into detail to make you understand the situation better. I am sorry if this family drama offended anyone.

So...like I said, he is now determined to move back to the US. He made an Info Pass Appointment and wants to start a new VISA process for me (I don't want to keep my old status to remove my Ex husband as a sponsor).
We don't have any money..just none. We still have credit card debt in the US. Not a ton, but it won't be paid off tomorrow. I don't make very much with my home business yet (I am required to stay below a certain number while receiving benefits).
He wants to ask his family to pay for my Visa and Green Card, which I think is a bad idea.

I don't even know how my Status is doing, because honestly I did not care. It seemed I would have to abandon it anyways. I am somewhat scared to inquire.
I don't want to live in the US, but what can I do...one of us will always be unhappy about where they live I guess. It is hard when you have family in two different parts of the world. I understand he misses his family.
He does not know what he will work, or where when we get there, neither does he know a place to stay.

That is why we will discuss this openly and see what our options even are. I think our situation is not the best, but since I don't know all that much about it, I let you be the judges.

In short:
What are our chances? What would we need to do? Is there any other requirements? (I read the basic requirements and it seems fine), How does our financial situation affect this?

Thank you in advance!

 

[Jackolantern]

He can't even afford to pay for your green card process? Is he aware that the green card process also has income/asset requirements? Is he also going to have his family pledge their income or assets to sponsor you, because his finances are insufficient?

How long have you been in Germany since leaving the US?

 

[ananga73]

Lady,

What you might both need first is a GOOD therapist, not a green card.

To answer your questions:

Did you have a provisional green card or the permanent one? If you had the provisional one, you may want to formally renounce it and apply for a new one because it can cause problems since you are no longer with the original husband. Note that serial marriages to US Citizens causes a lot more scrutiny of your case [and your previous case to make sure it was in good faith].

If you have the 10 year card however, I would not recommend giving it up unless the idea of having your ex as a sponsor irks you and you plan to become a public charge by relying on welfare and other government assistance.

Hello everyone!
.......

Thank you in advance!

 

[Chaninbldg.]

Well, with how the situation is now, it is likely we would end up on food stamps (complete well fare is not possible if the sponsor does not approve I was told) or other assistance. Which is why I wanted to wait with any moves until we can sustain ourselves.
It is also harder to get off of welfare in the US, than it is to get your foot in the door here. There is plenty of help and you are not cut off until you can really manage on your own.
My husband does not think that this might happen, he is determined he will find a good job. But I'm not so sure, the job market really is bad and finding something that feeds a whole family and provides health care, is not that easy.

We have been here for a little less than a year now. I told my husband about the income requirements, and he wants to ask his family for help. This is not a good idea, his family has a very low income and enough debt for life. His parents are not married, I am not sure if that changes anything, but I just thought I should note that the dad has most of the debt.

I do have a ten year card, or rather the status, but my card was stolen and not replaced.

 

[ananga73]

Dear lady,

Once again I repeat, what your husband needs is either a swift kick in the backside, or to see a therapist.

The two choices before you are both not easy. I suggest you impress it upon your hubby that unless he gets lucky, what he is planning is foolhardy. He lacks a college degree and will struggle to find a job which like you pointed out will pay well AND provide health insurance. Is he taking a selfish decision only in his interest, or in the interest of the family as a unit? I only ask that question rhetorically. I strongly suggest you impress upon him to stay in Germany until at least he gets an education/training.

If you guys insist on returning to the USA, As I said, I would not suggest you renounce the card because it takes MONEY to reapply and by your own accounts, you are a broke couple. Save that application fee, it might come in handy. On second thoughts, since you do not have a reentry permit and you've been away almost a year, if you do not return in the next couple of months, your are in jeopardy of losing that green card anyway so unless you're going to return in the next couple months, its better you turn it in.

You are between a rock and a hard place. If you guys insist on coming back to the USA, you may as well do so in the next couple months and come and slog it [you just might end up homeless] through though I pity your ex husband who will be hit with a humongous bill if you do end up on welfare. I have a friend who got similarly hit with a bill for his wifes welfare payments and for years he was underwater financially.

Good luck!

Well, ........

I do have a ten year card, or rather the status, but my card was stolen and not replaced.

 

[Jackolantern]

Well, with how the situation is now, it is likely we would end up on food stamps ...

If you've been a permanent resident for less than 5 years, you won't qualify for food stamps in the US. If you surrender or abandon your existing status and reapply through your husband, I think the 5 years starts over. However, your husband who is a citizen can get food stamps for himself.

Find a marriage counselor. That is more important than anything else right now.

 

[Chaninbldg.]

Aside from the fact that we could not afford marriage counseling, we don't have problems aside from him being foolish, unstable in his decisions and immature about this particular idea.
He is certainly not that way about other things, but he does not know much about life and how hard it can be. He is a dreamer and grew up very sheltered, never having to do anything.*
It will take more time for him to understand how things really work.

Back on topic - I had received food stamps for a half year in 2011. Is the rule really 5 years?*

My Ex husband was not ever asked to support me, nor was he charged any money for me receiving food stamps and medicaid. Are you sure this is true as well?*
Because after we separated, it would have been great to have at least a little money to live. Afterall he kept every single one of my monthly paychecks.*
Well, maybe I just never learned this was possible, because I was more concerned about getting away from a lunatic, than fighting about money.

I did not want him as my sponsor because I don't want any connections to him. I don't want him to know where I live, or have to speak to him.*

Of course I will try to explain to my husband that his plans are foolish. Or rather, I feel he will understand after our info pass appointment, and I am sure the difficulties will be explained to him.

But I was also hoping to find out more about the hurdles here beforehand, so I can talk to him.

Going back to the US now is just as impossible. A green card replacement also costs money that we don't have and at least some time. I also assume the fact that I never got a re-entry permit and had the intention to settle elsewhere, will not make it any easier to keep my status.*

 

[Jackolantern]

Back on topic - I had received food stamps for a half year in 2011. Is the rule really 5 years?

Yes. See the "Food Stamps" paragraph here: http://www.nilc.org/overview-immeligfedprograms.html
And see the table on page 6 of this document: http://www.robparal.com/downloads/RPMVol3-No1.pdf

However, sometimes they aren't very diligent with that 5 year rule when checking eligibility. And there are some types of immigrants who aren't affected by that 5 year rule, for example refugees and military dependents.

My Ex husband was not ever asked to support me, nor was he charged any money for me receiving food stamps and medicaid. Are you sure this is true as well?

You could sue him, and he would have to give you enough money to bring you to 25% above the Federal poverty line (after adjusting for your own income and assets). But his obligation ends when you are no longer a permanent resident, unless the divorce court ordered more support than that.

Going back to the US now is just as impossible. A green card replacement also costs money that we don't have and at least some time. I also assume the fact that I never got a re-entry permit and had the intention to settle elsewhere, will not make it any easier to keep my status.*

You said it. Your green card is nearly dead, you don't have a document that allows you to reenter as a permanent resident, and he can't yet afford the process to bring you back and get you a new green card. His plans are futile. You're stuck outside the US for at least another year whether he likes it or not.

Ultimately, he can't force you to go back to the US. You don't have to cooperate with any immigration process he initiates to bring you back, and he can't physically drag you back there. He also can't take your child outside Germany against your wishes; that would be international kidnapping unless he got a court order authorizing that. You are the one with all the rights and power in this situation, not him.

 

[Chaninbldg.]

Thank you for explaining. I hope he will come around and understand his plan is crazy. I will go to the Infopass appointment with him, he needs to hear from one of the officers how untealistic it actually is.

 

[Chaninbldg.]

I wanted to update.
We do have an info pass appt. tommorrow. I still don't approve of his plans but he will be able to get more info this way and hopefully see things more clearly.
His current plans are to have his mother pay for the immigration process with her tax money. He is also hoping to gain her as a co sponsor.
My status must be considered abandoned now, since it has been over a year. The US does not know that we are living abroad, I don't think that will look good, but he has no worries.
We are still living on welfare mostly and fairly tight with money for food each month. He changed his mind about the job he was going to start, and was thinking of working for an air line instead (it is something different every 2 months ).
My home business is not going well, also because I am tired of taling care of a baby and my husband.
He wants me to lie about the reason we left the US and say we came here to take care of my grandmother. She is fine though, that is not a good idea.
I think he wants to leave all of our belongings and furniture here because he can not afford to ship it.
Last but not least he wants to get vaccine excemptions for all three of us, which are costly.

This will be a nerve wrecking day...I really dread it. I will keep all your advice in mind.

 

[ananga73]

You seem to be married to a child. Mother paying for immigration petition, lying to USCIS, living on welfare, mind changing every month. You are looking at some serious marriage/personal crisis down the road. Get a therapist on speed dial. The way you keep referring to him as "He" is not a good sign, clearly decisions are being taken unilaterally.

Best wishes nonetheless.

I wanted to update.
We do have an info pass appt. tommorrow. I still don't approve of his plans but he will be able to get more info this way and hopefully see things more clearly.
His current plans are to have his mother pay for the immigration process with her tax money. He is also hoping to gain her as a co sponsor.
My status must be considered abandoned now, since it has been over a year. The US does not know that we are living abroad, I don't think that will look good, but he has no worries.
We are still living on welfare mostly and fairly tight with money for food each month. He changed his mind about the job he was going to start, and was thinking of working for an air line instead (it is something different every 2 months ).
My home business is not going well, also because I am tired of taling care of a baby and my husband.
He wants me to lie about the reason we left the US and say we came here to take care of my grandmother. She is fine though, that is not a good idea.
I think he wants to leave all of our belongings and furniture here because he can not afford to ship it.
Last but not least he wants to get vaccine excemptions for all three of us, which are costly.

This will be a nerve wrecking day...I really dread it. I will keep all your advice in mind.

 

[Chaninbldg.]

I know it really worries me too and what does not make it easier is his family.
I will take some action later this month. Hopefully it will help. Counseling would only be possible if my husband would agree.

 

[Jackolantern]

He wants me to lie about the reason we left the US and say we came here to take care of my grandmother. She is fine though, that is not a good idea.

The immigration authorities would expect you to provide medical records if you claim you went outside the US to care for an ill relative.

Last but not least he wants to get vaccine excemptions for all three of us, which are costly.

Vaccine exemptions for what purpose? Are you referring to exemptions from vaccinations mandated by the German government?

Counseling would only be possible if my husband would agree.

You can start going by yourself. Sometimes the reluctant spouse will eventually join you because they want to be there to hear what the counselor is saying to you.

 

[iamearlene]

You shouldn't go back to the states. Your life is in Germany, I believe, and that's where you're suppose to live your life. You don't want to repeat the things happened in the past, do you? Since you're recovering from debts, I wouldn't suggest you to move back to the states is all I could say.

 

[Chaninbldg.]

So far he hasn't agreed to any counseling...
A few months ago, I talked to my husband about his immigration idea and that I do not think it is a good idea and that we won't be able to survive on our own.
I told him if he goes through with the VISA process, him and his mom will get a reality check.

[She is willing to pay for EVERYTHING, but when we lived with her and were financially struggling, she complained about every penny and wanted me to buy food for the family with my food stamps that were given to me during and after pregnancy, in return she ordered me a burger once in a while. I have a Gluten intolerance and need Gluten free foods! Not burgers.
Anyhow, I have a big problem with her way of thinking. Now that she wants her grandson and son back, she is willing to do whatever it takes, and ignores the fact that it is not in the best interest of the family at all.
My husband is the same way. Like I said, he was all for living here, but then his whole family kept writing him messages about how he "needs to come back", guilt tripping him into believing he needs to go back. When we lived in the US, most of his family never even really talked to him (aside from his parents).
That she doesn't care about me became obvious when she wanted me to get certain vaccines done that I am allergic too, instead of completing the vaccine exception form...the health consequences for me could be serious!]

Anyhow, the reality check didn't happen. They approved everything lightning fast, no problem. They don't care we have debt, that he hardly worked, that we had to get food stamps and medicaid when I was pregnant...
I am supposed to have my interview soon. I would like to talk to them openly about what our actual plans were and how much we have struggled. My husband wants me to lie however...say that we were only visiting family and accidentally overstayed.
Until now I was hoping I could avoid a confrontation, but there seems to be no other way.

I want to ask you:
what will happen when I talk to the immigration officer openly? I don't want my husband to get into trouble, but I can't lie, and can't go through with this madness.
Would he get into any legal trouble for saying we overstayed, when the truth was that we wanted to live in Germany?

Of course after that he will be mad at me and we will have to talk about our relationship. I really don't know what will happen, but I know in Germany our life is actually good right now. So I will bring that up of course. His family will probably go crazy too, right now they are sweet as honey because they want me to ho through with things, which is really not like them at all...my mother in law has threatened to fly over here and take the baby and her son back to the US...silly, empty thread...but wow. She has the guts to say that.

We live in a nice apartment, nice town close to the city, we have money to buy quality and gluten free foods, we have health insurance, my health has bettered 100% with better foods and health care, we can actually travel and do things as a family, despite not having a car because it is so easy to get around here, our son enjoys the small town life, the nature and animals, his play groups and friends, spending time with my parents (who have done so much for us!), I have the chance to work a bit for the local family center here and there and am able to bring my son and make my own schedule. My husband gets free school at the moment and was offered a good job at the airport where he could use his language skills.

Now compare this to San Diego, where we lived in one small 10 m2/ 107 m2 room and slept on a full size bed with the baby, where we just barely had enough foods and no quality foods, he was not able to find a job with his lack of qualifications, we were unable to get much assistance, as an immigrant I was not even able to collect any kind of cash aid. We had no health insurance.
The small town south of San Diego was run down, there was crime and gangs, getting places was difficult, going further than San Diego impossible.
And he wants to go back to that...
I really don't know why he wants to do that...our marriage is great, perfect aside from this crazy idea! It is so hard to grasp!

I told him going back is an option once we are stable and independent financially, but not while we still have the government help us.
My parents have always helped us out a lot too, even while we were in the US they sent money. Here they fully supported us at first, they have bought us things for the house, they take us places, help with shopping, buy our sons clothes etc.
I never needed their support before, but I am glad they so willingly help us and expect nothing but gratefulness in return.

Sorry about the long post. I also felt I needed to rant since i haven't talked to anyone about this yet.
Any advice is very welcome.

Best,
Chanin

 

[Eucn]

Well every issue has a practical and a symbolic dimension. From a practical point of view you are right but his desire to return to the us must have some symbolic meaning. In general research on acculturation has documented that especially Americans have trouble settling in other cultures.

 

[Eucn]

The ambiguity experienced by changing cultural context will in most individuals be resolved by discreditting certain positive and negative aspects of an experience. For example minimising the hardship experienced in the us and amplifying what he does not like about Germany. In turn your ambiguity towards life I the us has led you to discount positiv aspects and emphasise the negative ones. Essentially you are both struggeling with ambiguity amplification and negative acculturation experiences unfortunately it seems that your processes are conrtadictionary.

Strategies to lower ambiguity experience in Germany might be a way forward if not too late. Those are language acquisition success experiences close local friends. Unfortunately public welfare does not count in this respect

 

[Eucn]

And by the way you probably won't find a marriage counsellor qualified or appropriate to deal with this situation. It's a different kind of councillor you need. Essentially your conflict is not a relationship conflict but you might perceive it to be as such and therefore enter a process that won't address the core issue. I have seen many similar cases and wrote my dissertation on a similar subject. I cannot help you further than pointing you in the right direction. Good luck and there are many couples like you so don't despair.

 

[Jackolantern]

Anyhow, the reality check didn't happen. They approved everything lightning fast, no problem. They don't care we have debt, that he hardly worked, that we had to get food stamps and medicaid when I was pregnant...

If you haven't done the interview yet, they haven't approved "everything". Approval of the I-130 or granting an SB-1 interview is only their acknowledgement of your marriage or situation, it doesn't mean they think you are actually eligible to immigrate.

Where are you now, inside the US? Where will the interview be, inside or outside the US?

If you don't want to immigrate to the US, simply tell the officer you want to withdraw the application because you want to live in Germany. You can hand them a letter saying that if you don't want to say it out loud.

You are letting your husband and his family control your life. When will you ever stand up for yourself?

If you're in Germany, they can't take the baby outside the US without your permission unless they get a German court to agree (which is very unlikely if the baby is a German citizen). If they try to physically take the baby back without authorization from you or the German government, call the police and have them issue an alert to their airports.

 

[ananga73]

Both you and your husband sound very immature. You come across immature because you appear unwilling to stand up to your husband when all evidence [at least what you've spilled here] indicates his suggested course of action is foolhardy. He also is very immature to propose said course of action.

How long are you guys going to be dependent on the government/family? I do not know your peculiar situation however extended living on welfare and depending on help from friends/family/government etc unless there are significant extenuating factors is an indication of a lack of ambition, laziness, and overall an un-American mindset which promotes self sufficiency.

It may appear you're best suited to Europe where socialism sometimes supports such an attitude.

You are letting your husband and his family control your life. When will you ever stand up for yourself?