I need some advice

[Cebuana]

Hi everyone. I know a lot of people had come here to seek advice about their marriage problems and immigration. Now, I am here to seek some for mine.

I am married to a USC for almost 2 years now.This coming July 18 would be our second anniversary. The past 2 years has been a struggle for me. I came here with a fiance visa and I had my temporary green card already. It will expire this January 2008. I know we will have to file a joint petition this November to lift the conditions of my status. November is not too far away like a lot of people would tell me but I have been feeling really low about myself for the things that had been going on with our marriage.

My husband and I had this argument couple days ago and everytime we argued used to be when I was new he would tell me to think about going home. For the past months he would tell me to go to my friend's house or since I am working now I could afford to rent my own place. I am really sick of him telling me to go home and now to go to my friend or that I can rent my own place now since I am working. Since I moved here to be with him everytime I miss home and I would tell him I wouldn't even get a comfort from him that things will be fine and that he is here for me. I don't have any family here, only him but instead of comforting words he would instead tell me to rethink being here and go back home. It has been like this everytime we argue.

Since we have been together he doesnt really give me money. I just started working recently in the medical field and since I got here he didn't give me any access to his bank accounts. If he gives me money he will only give me like $20 to $80 dollars. I feel like a kid and that only happened when I started going to school here in Houston last September 2006. That is like my allowance for a month or 2 weeks or when he feels like giving me money. But we have this joint account that we opened last December so he can put there a $100 a month when he would go to work on his part time job. If he doesn't then no money would come in there. Now that I am working he told me that he will ask for it back and change it to go back to his bank account. He wants to cut our long distance service to my country and he just wants me to buy my own phone cards. There are so many things going on. I don't know how to feel anymore. All he wouldnt want to put me in his bank account because he wants to track all of his bills and finances. I didn't even know how much he is making since he told me last November on Thanksgiving because we had a fight and I told him that I am really feeling low about myself. I feel like I am not part of anything.

He used to tell me before that he didn't want me to write checks because he doesn't know if I'm confident enough to pay his bills. I really don't know what to think anymore. He would used to ask me if I know what 911 is. Geez, I graduated Computer Science before I came here in the US. It would hurt me because he would tell me stuff like "When we have a kid and you kiss him, I'm going to call him and wipe his face because he says I give such wet and sloppy kisses and that he thinks that my laptop is so green now with molds. I was like what do you think I am dirty? I really don't know what to feel anymore.

I don't know if I should stay and hold on until I get my green card and get my permanent resident status. A part of me has been wanting to leave. I just don't want to stay with him jus to get my green card. I want to know if I could just petition myself and if I have a good shot at it. A lot of people told me to stay and just get my green card but I really don't know what to do anymore.

I hope you guys can give me some advice on what to do. I would greatly appreciate any information I can get on how to go about this. Thank you so much.

 

[LucyMO]

I don't know if I should stay and hold on until I get my green card and get my permanent resident status.

that depends. If you think he'll sign a joint affidavit, stay married and remove the conditions jointly. If you don't think he'll sign it, then you pretty much don't have any choice - divorce and filing by yourself. It will be difficult for you since you don't have any proof of joint life - joint accounts, bills, credit cards, insurances, utilities, deeds and titles, etc. You will still have to attach all of this proof to the joint petition, and if you don't or if it's not enough, you will be called for another interview. Can you wait that long and can you prove that your marriage was bona fide?

 

[dee2006]

that depends. If you think he'll sign a joint affidavit, stay married and remove the conditions jointly. If you don't think he'll sign it, then you pretty much don't have any choice - divorce and filing by yourself. It will be difficult for you since you don't have any proof of joint life - joint accounts, bills, credit cards, insurances, utilities, deeds and titles, etc. You will still have to attach all of this proof to the joint petition, and if you don't or if it's not enough, you will be called for another interview. Can you wait that long and can you prove that your marriage was bona fide?

i dont know if your husband will be willing to go through the process with you to remove the conditions.

I have also heard that if the spouse suffer some abuse in the relationship it is possible to get the permanent green card and from reading your post he is verbally abusive towards you.

i would suggest to get a lawyer if you decide to do this on your and that it is possible.

 

[Cebuana]

that depends. If you think he'll sign a joint affidavit, stay married and remove the conditions jointly. If you don't think he'll sign it, then you pretty much don't have any choice - divorce and filing by yourself. It will be difficult for you since you don't have any proof of joint life - joint accounts, bills, credit cards, insurances, utilities, deeds and titles, etc. You will still have to attach all of this proof to the joint petition, and if you don't or if it's not enough, you will be called for another interview. Can you wait that long and can you prove that your marriage was bona fide?

I think I have papers to prove that aside of course from the marriage certificate he put me in his health insurance, we had a lease for the last 10 months, now we are in the process of moving into another apartment I signed a lease with him. I just recently purchased a car and I am paying for it but it is in his name since he said I don't have credit. So we are in the car insurance together. Also that joint account that is mine and I added him into last December. It has a lot of activities. I did put some money there and my paycheck. Only he just put $100 there when he works at his part time job. That is the account that I used to pay for my car notes and student loan. I don't know if that is enough though.

 

[myredskins]

I think I have papers to prove that aside of course from the marriage certificate he put me in his health insurance, we had a lease for the last 10 months, now we are in the process of moving into another apartment I signed a lease with him. I just recently purchased a car and I am paying for it but it is in his name since he said I don't have credit. So we are in the car insurance together. Also that joint account that is mine and I added him into last December. It has a lot of activities. I did put some money there and my paycheck. Only he just put $100 there when he works at his part time job. That is the account that I used to pay for my car notes and student loan. I don't know if that is enough though.

It appears he still acts like a husband (at least materially) althogh he treats you badly. I'd say you've survived all this long.. hold on till November. He will sign papers. Be nice to him till your things are straight Good luck.

 

[Cebuana]

It appears he still acts like a husband (at least materially) althogh he treats you badly. I'd say you've survived all this long.. hold on till November. He will sign papers. Be nice to him till your things are straight Good luck.

Yeah, i guess. I don't think he is a good provider. A lot of people has told me just because he is buying food for us to eat and I am staying in an apartment doesn't make him a good husband. I was able to get on those leases because I told him that I want my name in there. Used to be he would asked me why I wanted to be in the lease or even why I wanted to have a joint bank account. I am just hurting everyday to see how we are in our marriage. I came here for him but seems like each passing day it gets worst. We are not talking anymore. We don't sleep on the same bed. He stays in our bed but I sleep on the couch. We are going to move into this new apartment this Saturday and it hurts me to see that my husband are packing his stuff but leaving my stuff behind. So I get the message. I need to pack my own things. Sure he put me in the car insurance and of course he wants me to pay my part of it. I wouldn't really mind if things had been different. Since we got married he didn't give me money. He wouldn't even let me see his bank account or add me in there because like he once said what for so that I could just withdraw money anytime. It is just funny because never when we got married I asked him to give me some money nor demanded. I never demanded for him to buy me things.

I thought married couples should share things together. What is his is mine and what is mine is his. That is not what is happening. We are just room mates. He controls everything. He makes decision in everything.

 

[LucyMO]

I just recently purchased a car and I am paying for it but it is in his name since he said I don't have credit.

you do realize that you are paying for HIS car, and as soon as it's paid off, it's his entirely, and you will have nothing?

 

[NeShawn]

I am sorry for how you are being treated. It is not right. You should not have to live like that.

It was a mistake to put car in his name alone: however, what you should do is always make the payments by check or some way it can be verified that you are the one who actually paid for the car when it comes to divorcing (if that is what happens for you).

The way he talk to you is horrible.

If you feel like you can keep yourself strong till November then do it, but if you can't take it leave and file to remove conditions by yourself. It is more difficult but not impossible.

You should open up a savings account and don't let him know about it and start saving money for yourself to protect yourself. You don't have family here and not really anyone to help you through, so you must be a strong women and take care of business. Research about the removal of conditions and divorce to protect yourself and allow you to make the best decision possible. God bless.

 

[austriacus]

Cebuana, I think both of you need to discuss your wants and needs and goals in your marriage. From what I read, it seems mostly there are misunderstandings between the two of you that you need to discuss. These ugly things he says, does he randomly say them or is it when both of you are upset? Ignore whatever he says when he's upset, he probably doesn't mean it.

Also, when he mentions wet and sloppy kisses in that weird context, it may just be that he's trying to find a way to tell you to kiss him differently, not that he's making a general statement about you.

About the issue where he tells you to go back home ... you feel like you have a legitimate reason to miss your family, and I'm sure you do, but perhaps to him it comes across as if you love someone else more than him. About the money issue, you think he's being stingy, he might be annoyed and think you love money more than him, or feels it is unfair for you to demand money or more money. It sounds to me like he's very jealous/controlling by nature. How about you tell him what you want to buy and why, instead of discussing specific dollar amounts? And make it clear to him that you love him more than anything else but at the same time want to maintain ties to your family? And in turn discuss with him what hurts you and ask him to not say those things. Marriage is a consensus building process.

I think if both of you just think of each other's reaction and avoid saying and doing what ticks the other person off, you should be able to have a harmonious marriage!

 

[Cebuana]

Cebuana, I think both of you need to discuss your wants and needs and goals in your marriage. From what I read, it seems mostly there are misunderstandings between the two of you that you need to discuss. These ugly things he says, does he randomly say them or is it when both of you are upset? Ignore whatever he says when he's upset, he probably doesn't mean it.

Also, when he mentions wet and sloppy kisses in that weird context, it may just be that he's trying to find a way to tell you to kiss him differently, not that he's making a general statement about you.

About the issue where he tells you to go back home ... you feel like you have a legitimate reason to miss your family, and I'm sure you do, but perhaps to him it comes across as if you love someone else more than him. About the money issue, you think he's being stingy, he might be annoyed and think you love money more than him, or feels it is unfair for you to demand money or more money. It sounds to me like he's very jealous/controlling by nature. How about you tell him what you want to buy and why, instead of discussing specific dollar amounts? And make it clear to him that you love him more than anything else but at the same time want to maintain ties to your family? And in turn discuss with him what hurts you and ask him to not say those things. Marriage is a consensus building process.

I think if both of you just think of each other's reaction and avoid saying and doing what ticks the other person off, you should be able to have a harmonious marriage!

No he doesn't say those when he is upset. He told me about my wet and sloppy kisses when he was in bed and I came to him and I gave him a kiss. Everytime he kissed me there isn't any passion in it anyway. He kisses me in a way that his lips would only touch a little bit of his lips into mine. So I came to him and gave him one but he said one day when we have a kid and I would kiss our kid he would call him and wipe off his face because I give such wet and sloppy kisses. I feel so little of myself because he used to tell me that the reason that he didn't tell me his bills and what he is paying is because he thinks I am not confident enough to pay bills and that I don't know how to write checks. He even asked me if I know how to use the atm machine. As far as I know I am not illiterate. I did graduate Associate in Computer Technoloy way back home before I came here and I am an undergrad in Computer Science. Yes, I know he is paying a lot of bills. He is even still paying his ex-wife's student loan. I don't mind that at all. I even told him that if he would just share things with me maybe I could help pay those bills. No, I don't have a whole lot of money but I do save those $20 to $80 that he gave me. If he would share things to me I would gladly tell him honey use this money to pay that bill. But he doesn't get that. I told him that but he said there is no point because he is the one who gave me the money and it is his money.

No, I never did ask him any specific amount of money. I wait for him to give me money. I never did ask him to buy me things. Used to be before I have to call him when I need to buy soap or when we do grocery shopping he I would just pick up the things that I need. He of course pays for it at the counter. I don't mind that but I want to be part of something.

Yes, I have talked to him about what I want for me and him. I want us to have more emotional connection. I want him to hold me at night. It bothers me that he turns his back and I want to be hold at night. It has been that way since we got married. No we don't have intimacy either. Most of the time it is me who asked me if he wants to get some. Yes, I would ask him for it and most of the time I am not given. He would just sleep or tell me later. I used to tell him hey we havent done it for a month and he would ask why I am counting days and that I am complaining. Yes I do tell him that I love him and that is why I am still here because I am trying to nurture what is left. I would call him at work just to tell him I love you but he doesn't say it back. It used to bother me a whole lot but I am taught myself to not to care anymore.

When I started to go to school here I met new friends and that is when I started talking to someone about my situation. I want to make things clear though. This is not about money. This is about me and him sharing things together. I want to feel like I am part of the marriage. That I have a say in things. That I wouldn't feel crappy about myself.

 

[austriacus]

About the kissing, perhaps he's got a different opinion on how to kiss than you, looks like you'll have to work that out somehow, but don't take it too seriously. Sometimes he may not realize how much you take what he says to heart.

Also, don't take those other things he says to heart. When I came to this country I didn't know how to write checks "the American way", how the ATM machines work here, what the emergency number is, and if you figured them out quickly then you're doing much better than I did. Heck I still don't know how to use the payphones here, only with calling cards. And last I checked I've been in this country for 12 years and in engineering grad school. So those are semi-legitimate concerns of his and at the same time not things you should feel bad about. In fact don't ever judge yourself by what someone else says about you.

So it looks like his first marriage went bad and money was an issue (since he's still paying her student loans). He might have developed an aversion to trusting women with money. Over time you can prove to him it's not a concern with you, but start with yourself first, does it really matter if he gives you 20-80 a month to make a big deal out of it, soon you'll earn that in a half day yourself and then you can feel as an equal partner in the relationship. My wife never wanted money from me (more likely I'll ask her), but at the same time we're trusting each other with money well.

You need to talk to him more about your daily expectations. If you wait for what he does, and later are unhappy because it didn't meet your expectations, and he doesn't understand why, it will be very frustrating for both of you. In my wife's and my relationship those are just about the only times we're frustrated if a situation like that happens.

If you feel he's not intimate, don't think there's something wrong with him or you. Maybe he's stressed out? Maybe he's not a very intimate person to begin with? Looks like he needs a lot of his "own space." Give him a little less attention and see if he seeks out your attention. The more attention you give him (like calling him to say you love him), the more he feels like he can get away with not giving it back. It's a give and take thing and he needs to feel challenged to get your attention.

If it makes you feel any better, the great state of Texas is a community property state. Whatever both of you earn/buy/etc after your marriage belongs jointly to both of you. I'm assuming he sponsored you for your affidavit of support, which is a legally enforceable document that he has to support you, even if you divorce. But if he read it and signed, he must have had great faith in you to begin with, maybe he just has trouble showing it.

 

[austriacus]

Maybe I make a better Dr. Drew or Suze Orman than someone giving advice on immigration matters. Need to rethink which forums I post in ...

 

[Cebuana]

About the kissing, perhaps he's got a different opinion on how to kiss than you, looks like you'll have to work that out somehow, but don't take it too seriously. Sometimes he may not realize how much you take what he says to heart.

Also, don't take those other things he says to heart. When I came to this country I didn't know how to write checks "the American way", how the ATM machines work here, what the emergency number is, and if you figured them out quickly then you're doing much better than I did. Heck I still don't know how to use the payphones here, only with calling cards. And last I checked I've been in this country for 12 years and in engineering grad school. So those are semi-legitimate concerns of his and at the same time not things you should feel bad about. In fact don't ever judge yourself by what someone else says about you.

So it looks like his first marriage went bad and money was an issue (since he's still paying her student loans). He might have developed an aversion to trusting women with money. Over time you can prove to him it's not a concern with you, but start with yourself first, does it really matter if he gives you 20-80 a month to make a big deal out of it, soon you'll earn that in a half day yourself and then you can feel as an equal partner in the relationship. My wife never wanted money from me (more likely I'll ask her), but at the same time we're trusting each other with money well.

You need to talk to him more about your daily expectations. If you wait for what he does, and later are unhappy because it didn't meet your expectations, and he doesn't understand why, it will be very frustrating for both of you. In my wife's and my relationship those are just about the only times we're frustrated if a situation like that happens.

If you feel he's not intimate, don't think there's something wrong with him or you. Maybe he's stressed out? Maybe he's not a very intimate person to begin with? Looks like he needs a lot of his "own space." Give him a little less attention and see if he seeks out your attention. The more attention you give him (like calling him to say you love him), the more he feels like he can get away with not giving it back. It's a give and take thing and he needs to feel challenged to get your attention.

If it makes you feel any better, the great state of Texas is a community property state. Whatever both of you earn/buy/etc after your marriage belongs jointly to both of you. I'm assuming he sponsored you for your affidavit of support, which is a legally enforceable document that he has to support you, even if you divorce. But if he read it and signed, he must have had great faith in you to begin with, maybe he just has trouble showing it.

Yeah I know marriage is all about working it out and meeting in the middle -compromising. Just with him I feel different about myself. No, I'm not happy anymore. We don't even have the small things of being couples. When we go out we don't even walk together. He always walks ahead of me. We don't even hold hands. We'll I don't know what to think about my marriage anymore.

I don't exactly know what happened to his first marriage. All he told me is that is his ex-wife one day came up to him and told him that she is not happy anymore. He also told me that if his ex-wife didn't divorce him they would still be married right now and he would still be working things out with her. So I don't know.

Thanks for all your advice. I greatly appreciate it. I am just unhappy and I'm always depress.

 

[myredskins]

Yeah I know marriage is all about working it out and meeting in the middle -compromising. Just with him I feel different about myself. No, I'm not happy anymore. We don't even have the small things of being couples. When we go out we don't even walk together. He always walks ahead of me. We don't even hold hands. We'll I don't know what to think about my marriage anymore.

I don't exactly know what happened to his first marriage. All he told me is that is his ex-wife one day came up to him and told him that she is not happy anymore. He also told me that if his ex-wife didn't divorce him they would still be married right now and he would still be working things out with her. So I don't know.

Thanks for all your advice. I greatly appreciate it. I am just unhappy and I'm always depress.

How did you guys meet? How come things have collapsed so sudden? He didn't know how you kissed before he proposed?

 

[NeShawn]

Yeah I know marriage is all about working it out and meeting in the middle -compromising. Just with him I feel different about myself. No, I'm not happy anymore. We don't even have the small things of being couples. When we go out we don't even walk together. He always walks ahead of me. We don't even hold hands. We'll I don't know what to think about my marriage anymore.

I don't exactly know what happened to his first marriage. All he told me is that is his ex-wife one day came up to him and told him that she is not happy anymore. He also told me that if his ex-wife didn't divorce him they would still be married right now and he would still be working things out with her. So I don't know.

Thanks for all your advice. I greatly appreciate it. I am just unhappy and I'm always depress.

I dn't know what type of advice these people on the forum are giving you but they sound utterly ridiculous. No man if he really cares for his wife would treat them the way you say he is doing.

One thing I think is the problem is he has problems with himself. A person who does not feel good about himself cannot treat another person with the love and respect they deserve. He is a 'CONTROLLER'!!! Do not anyone strip you of your self-esteem!! your self-image. He is not treating you as an equal. Pretty soon I bet he will have a problem with the educated friends you have. Watch and see!! There was definitely an issue there before you married him and you are not responsible for that. The best thing you can do is maintain yourself. Prove to yourself that you are more than capable of TCB (taking care of business).

 

[marie7711]

hi

I am in a very similar situation. Is he by any chance in the military?

 

[NeShawn]

He is what they call 'Emotionally detached' and that is very damaging to a person. It is not enough to just be 'materially available in a marriage' and that is what he is. Emotionally he is not available for some reason. It does not have anything to do with you. It is His problem, inside himself. Do try to talk to him and get him to confide into you. A good suggestion all the way around is to try to get into counseling for both of you but if he does not go then you go. It will help you a lot. Friends can be supportive or sympathetic but a counselor can give you the necessary tools to remain or become strong and confident. Also, if divorce does take place, you will have evidence that you really tried to work things out. Please do this. It is a win/win situation for you. Do not let your future happiness and serenity be at risk. God bless.

 

[austriacus]

I dn't know what type of advice these people on the forum are giving you but they sound utterly ridiculous. No man if he really cares for his wife would treat them the way you say he is doing.

One thing I think is the problem is he has problems with himself. A person who does not feel good about himself cannot treat another person with the love and respect they deserve. He is a 'CONTROLLER'!!! Do not anyone strip you of your self-esteem!! your self-image. He is not treating you as an equal. Pretty soon I bet he will have a problem with the educated friends you have. Watch and see!! There was definitely an issue there before you married him and you are not responsible for that. The best thing you can do is maintain yourself. Prove to yourself that you are more than capable of TCB (taking care of business).

I'm not sure why you have to characterize other's advice as ridiculous; I respected your advice too. I'm sure the OP can read all our viewpoints and form her own opinion based on it.

If you read your own statement, you'll see you said much the same as I did, except I pointed out how she may be able to save her marriage and bring harmony into it; I believe if we only point out her husband's problems it doesn't help save it. Of course you may have made up your mind that she shouldn't save it (and perhaps she did too), but then again it's good we provide two different perspectives.

 

[kchoro]

We are been married for 3 years and my wife just came out of the closet telling me she is lesbian and refused to go to counseling, now there is really nothing I can do I love her and I really want to work things out. Now my question is what can i do if we get the divorce? can i still get my permanent green card? I got married in good faith and is not my foul she is lesbian now, you know?. We file under the program DORA in Dallas,tx interview when ok but I'm stuck in name check
and still waiting until to date for green card. the interview was done 10/30/06. I got my EAD. what can i do?what will happened to me?

 

[NeShawn]

We are been married for 3 years and my wife just came out of the closet telling me she is lesbian and refused to go to counseling, now there is really nothing I can do I love her and I really want to work things out. Now my question is what can i do if we get the divorce? can i still get my permanent green card? I got married in good faith and is not my foul she is lesbian now, you know?. We file under the program DORA in Dallas,tx interview when ok but I'm stuck in name check
and still waiting until to date for green card. the interview was done 10/30/06. I got my EAD. what can i do?what will happened to me?

As far as the 'green card' goes I don't think you have much of an issue there. You might want to make an Infopass appointment to inquire about the status of the case. If you have been married 2 years prior to filing, then you will get 10-year green card. The only issue is if you want to remain in marriage to a lesbian. You really have to think about health issues now (sexually transmitted disease). If she is a lesbian, you may as well end the marriage because there is a reason that she is and it won't change simply because you love her. Actually she is bisexual cause she married you and likes women too. I wish you the best.