Tgif

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RD2426

Registered Users (C)
Subject: Who's On First?

Who's On First?

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the 21st Century

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOT: the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: the Word you get when you click the blue "w"

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: the blue 1.

CoSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: the blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is Word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: no, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: Money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: Why not, they own it.
 
Tgif # 2

RD2426 was faster then me... anyways here you go:

# Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

# Height of revenge : A bastard roaming in a condom factory with a
needle in his hand

# Height of pain : A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as
his brakes.

# Height of Honesty : A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one
& a half ticket.

# Height of Foolishness : A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass
door.

# Height of Noise : Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

# Height of Itch : A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying
to scratch his balls.

# Height of Competition: A topless lady standing near mount everest.

# Height of Technology : Condom with zip.

# Height of Penetration : A baby girl born pregnant.

# Height of Darkness : A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
 
Tgif # 3

7 reasons not to mess with a child





A little girl was talking to her teacher about

whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a

whale to swallow a human because even though it was

a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a

whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could

not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will

ask

Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".





----------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom

of children while they were drawing. She would

occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working

diligently,

she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what

God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her

drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



--------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her

mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She

suddenly

noticed that her mother had several strands of white

hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do

something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of

my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a

while

and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's

hairs are white?"



-------------

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when

you

are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's

Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, She's dead."



---------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of

the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,



she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the

blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would

turn



red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in

the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my



feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."



--------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a

Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of

the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end

of the table was a large pile of chocolate

chipcookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.

God is watching the apples".
 
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets
Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good
guy, and your invention..the Assembly line for the automobile... changed
the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the
befuddled St. Peter takes

Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to
God. Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what
were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. The rear end wobbles too much.
6. The headlights are usually too small.
7. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the
computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and
says, "You're 100% >correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these
statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
you might have read it before but still it sure works better to make you feel good..

Kids say what love is :

A group of professional people posed this question to
a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got
were broader and
deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think:


1) "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't
bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for
her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8


2) When someone loves you, the way they say your name
is different. You
know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4


3) "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts
on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5


4) "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody
most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6


5) "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4


6) Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and
she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
Danny - age 7


7) "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you
get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are
like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8


8) "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening
presents and listen,"
Bobby - age 7


9) "If you want to learn to love better, you should
start with a friend
who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6


10) "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's
love. But God makes both
kinds of them."
Jenny - age 8


11) "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it
everyday."
Noelle - age 7


12) "Love is like a little old woman and a little old
man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6


13) "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I
was scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving
and smiling. He
was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore,"
Cindy - age 8


14) "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't
see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6


15) Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of
chicken."
Elaine-age 5


16) "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty
and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7


17) "Love is when your puppy licks your face even
after you left him alone
all day."
Mary Ann - age 4


18) "I know my older sister loves me because she gives
me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4


19) "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and
down and little stars
come out of you."
Karen - age 7


20) "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and
she doesn't think it's
gross."
Mark - age 6


21) "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you
mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,"
Jessica - age 8


21) And the final one - Author and lecturer Leo
Buscaglia once talked about
a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find
the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door
neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's
yard, climbed onto his
lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him
what he had said to
the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just
helped him cry."
 
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